Old and New Jokes

The flustered bank robber walked up to the



teller, pulled out a gun, and said; all





right mother sticker, this is a fuck up,





put your brains in the bag, or ill blow the money all over the floor.

Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?

Fourth Guy: I dont want to talk about it. Lets just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:

Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:

My God, said the Queen. Im pregnant. I wonder who did it?

The confused young man couldnt decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You cant have your Kate and Edith too!

Q : Whats the difference between Malaysia & the US?

A : USs got Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder; Malaysias got Mahathir, no cash, no hope and bloody wonder!

Sell them to HP.