Old and New Jokes

What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?

They both have a sign that says, Insert Bill here, face up.

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals
their first taste of religion?

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and hes going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.

So, on his first night, hes going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!

The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, –

You stay out of this, mister. Im not talking to you, Im talking to that jerk on your knee!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I cant dear, she said. I have to sleep in daddys room.

A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. The big sissy.

Whats the difference between a MacIntosh and an Etch-A-Sketch?

You dont have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

W. Jim Jordan, Conrad Grebel College, Waterloo, Ontario, N2L 3G6

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genies lamp.

The genie came out and said, Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.
The guy didnt like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

Genie, I want a house in Hawaii. POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didnt make him happy but, he made his second wish.

Genie,I want 2 billion dollars. POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isnt very happy. The genie says,You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double. The guy says, Yeah,yeah.I know. So the guy thinks real hard and says

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!

A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. Weve had the results back from your tests
and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but…its the only food we can get
under the door."

A well known rich businessmans wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $

5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw $1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

…who talks about women when hes flying,
and about flying when hes with a woman.

Three men are stranded on an island and a tribe appears from no where.

The chief says to them, Ungubunga or death.

The first guy asks the chief, What is ungubunga? and the chief simply repeats himself.

The first guy says,Ungubunga and the chief screws him and lets him go.

The second guy says, Well its pretty disgusting, but I have a family. so he chooses ungubunga and gets screwed.

The third guy says, You two are disgusting! and chooses death. the chief exclaims, Good choice death by ungubunga!