Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Chowan students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three – if they get lucky and one of them has taken the course at Elizabeth City State.

The more I get to know people, the better I like animals.

You know that Storks bring babys of course. What kind of bird

definitely does not bring babys?

Swallows!

Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed I cant break this! I need exact change.

Come on buddy. Jack pleaded, Cant you give me a break, just this once?


Nope. Sorry. Exact change! Answered the collector.

While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, Do you really like this job?

Well its not the best job that Ive ever had, but it pays the bills, replied the collector. what do you do for a living? he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, Im a rectum stretcher.

A what? asked the collector.


A rectum stretcher. Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

What does a rectum stretcher do? The collector asked.


Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums. Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

Wow, is there much call for that kind of work? The collector asked.


Oh youd be surprised. Its real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. Its the new trend. Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, Well if you dont mind me asking, I mean if its not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?

…How big do I stretch them? Jack interupted. Most of them, not too big, He continued, but I have stretched some up to six feet.

SIX FEET! The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:

Whats troubling you, brother? he said.

My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant
see.

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now
20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him. Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch
me! he screamed. Im on disability!

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

Heres a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But youll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

At that moment, the substitute organist played, The Star Spangled Banner.

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, its fresh ground.

Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking the Revolution to the people: explaining the
fundamentals of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of
the Department was out talking to a farmer in Siberia…

Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. You understand?

Farmer: (confused) Nyet…

O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?

F: Da, Da! Iz good!

O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?

F: Da! Da! Is WERY good!

O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?

F: Nyet! Iz not good!

O: Why?

F: I have two cheekens…

John Field

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, whereve you been? I havent seen you around here much.

The twenty answered, Ive been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?

The one dollar bill said, You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.