Old and New Jokes

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, Oh no! That must be your husband coming home.

And the wife replies, No. Hes off in the Navy for six months.

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal the salesman said.

What makes him so special? the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chets right foot, and Chet started to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells.. and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing Deck the halls…

So the man asked, What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?
Well I dont know answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrots legs and instantly Chet began to sing…
Chets nuts roasting on an open fire…

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love you

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je Taime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas,

Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky. . . . . . . . Nice Tits

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?

Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, Whatll it be?

The man replies, Give me a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, Once upon time were three little pigs…

IBM: Ive Been Mugged

Crash – When you go to Juniors party uninvited.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.”

The bartender says, “Whatve you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time.

They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating.

Excuse me sisters, he says shyly, but I dont normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.

Its perfectly okay they reassured the clerk, this is strictly for medicinal purposes.

Very well said the clerk, that will be $6.50

The nuns thanked him and were on their way.

About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk.

He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says I am ashamed of you two!

You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!

To this the nuns replied Dont feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you .

You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, Were they ALL dead? The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.