23
Feb

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

3. Arent you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!

5. Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No Donut!

9. Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Didnt I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nightstand.

12. I pay your salary!

13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?

14. Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.

15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, thats how far ahead of me they are.

17. What do you mean, Have I been drinking? Youre the trained observer!

23
Feb

The Bad Son!

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.My son, said one proudly, has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in. To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual.As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, but, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big portfolio of stock certificates.

23
Feb

Airline Food

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, What are my choices?

And she said, Yes or no.

22
Feb

Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.

Liz, Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??

Sally, Cause I just cant get a man.

Liz, Well, you sure wont find one in the middle of the woods.

Sally, Dont be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldnt find it.

Liz, I dont understand what youre talking about.

Sally, Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.

Liz, So, hows that going help you get a man.

Sally, Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.

22
Feb

Dog in the park

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.

The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

22
Feb

En un restaurante un hombre

En un restaurante un hombre gritó de pronto: ¡Mi hijo se ahoga! ¡Se tragó una moneda! ¡Ayúdenme por favor!

Un hombre que estaba en una mesa vecina se levantó y dijo que el tenía mucha experiencia en este tipo de asuntos. Caminó hacia el pequeño sin mostrar ningún signo de preocupación, puso sus manos alrededor del cuello del niño y apretó. Inmediatamente, la moneda saltó por los aires. El hombre regresó a su mesa como si nada hubiera pasado.

¡Gracias, gracias! gritó el padre. ¿Es usted paramédico?

No, respondió el hombre. Trabajo para la oficina de recaudación de impuestos.

22
Feb

Day at the Beach

A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up, grabbed her hand and led her to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. Mommy, what happened to him? the boy asked. He died and went to heaven, she replied. The boy thought for a moment and then said, And God threw him back down?

22
Feb

You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

22
Feb

Clinton Bumper Stickers

One More Whore And We Get Gore HONK! If you had sex with the President Kennedy = Camelot Clinton = Lie-a-lot Clinton: We forgive you . . .Now Resign! Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency Adultery is NOT a family value Does character matter YET? America needs a President Not a Predator Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat My President Slept with Your Honor Student Jail to the Chief Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility If his private life doesnt matter, let him date your daughter

22
Feb

Differences Between High School and College

1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.

In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at

the teachers guide.

5. In college, there are no tardy slips.

6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you

get to live with your friends.

7. In college, you dont have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadnt heard of it.)

9. In high school, youre told what classes to take. In college, you get to

choose; that is, as long as the classes dont conflict and you have the

prerequisites and the classes arent closed and youve paid your tuition.

10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way

out of it. In college, youre lucky to ever talk with the professor.

11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in

college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade

than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, Good morning, you mumbled back.

In college, when the professor says, Good morning, you write it down.

14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,

senior guys hit on freshman girls.

15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

16. In college, its much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of

the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she

will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

17. Once youve obtained the information described in #16, its much more time

-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will

be in order to just happen to bump into him/her.

18. In college, theres no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

19. In college, your dad doesnt pay for dates.

20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

21. College guys are cuter than high school boys.

22. College women are legal.

23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you dont need

a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.

24. In high school, you cant go out to lunch because its not allowed.

In college, you cant go out to lunch because you cant afford it.

25. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.