A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.
Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket workers underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.
Q: Why does it work?
A: Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?
One day after school,Little Johnny went up to the teacher and said,Teacher,Teacher,take of your shirt. The teacher said,Johnny no! Johnny goes,If you dont then Ill tell my mommy and shell tell my daddy then youll get fired! Ok,Johnny, said the teacher while taking it off. Then Johnny said,Teacher,take off your pants. The teacher said,No,Johnny! Johnny said,Then Ill tell my mommy then shell tell my daddy and youll get fired! Ok,Johnny,said the teacher as she took them off. Johnny said,Teacher, take off your bra. No,Johnny!said the teacher. Ill tell my mommy then shell tell my daddy and youll get fired!said Johnny. Ok,Johnny.the teacher said as she took it off. Teacher,take off your panties.johnny said. No,Johnny!said the teacher. Ill tell my mommy then shell tell! Ok,Johnny,said teacher as she took them off. The Johnny undressed and said to his teacher,Teacher,Teacher.Let me fuck you! The teacher replied,No,Johnny. Ill tell my mommy and shell tell my daddy and youll get fired!said Johnny. Ok,Johnnythe teacher said as she climbed on the desk!
A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guys passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?
St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, What is the story with that clock?
Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats Bill Clintons clock.
We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.
Yo mama so tall she bumped her head on the Pearly Gates.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
Rabbi in bar
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks Can I please use the rest room? The place was hoppin with music, and dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you should.
The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the rest room? Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!
The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.
The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin again.
The bartender says, Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?
Didja hear that diarrheas hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
Manolo y José se compran dos caballos y mientras van de regreso al pueblo se dicen:
Oye Manolo, ¿cómo vamos a saber cual es mi caballo y cual el tuyo?
Pues muy fácil, José. Le cortamos una oreja a uno.
Un muchacho muy vivo que pasaba por allà y escuchó la conversación le corta la oreja al otro caballo. Al otro dÃa los gallegos van a buscar los caballos y dicen:
Joder, Manolo, ¿ahora cómo los diferenciaremos?
Le cortamos la pata a uno, y listo.
El muchacho que de vuelta escucha la conversación le corta la pata al otro caballo. Y asà siguen hasta que los dos caballos están completamente destrozados. Entonces Manolo le dice a josé:
– ¡Oye, estoy harto… el negro es tuyo y el blanco es mÃo!