Old and New Jokes

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, You are going to

meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about

you.

The frog says, This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or

what?

No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.

A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped. An Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and said, Would you like to buy a tie?

No, said the man, I need water, do you have water?

No, said the Arab, No water, but I do have a wonderful selection of ties.

He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the steps, crying Water! Water!

The Manager approached him and said, Im sorry Sir, you cant come in here without a tie!!!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/

A guy walks into a bar.
The next day the same guy walks into the same bar.
The next day, a guy stops him and says arent you gonna duck?

After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was,
he remarked, How about that! Heres a picture of my daddy.He bought the picture, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, hated his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go
there and look at it.Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed, So thats the old gal hes runnin after! Ill kill him!

1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).
4. BURGACIDE (burg uh side) n. When a hamburger cant take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, Do you work here?
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay shun) n. Manhandling the open here spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when youre only six inches away.
    

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
Lie to me! Lie to me!

Iba Pepito caminando con su mamá por la calle, cuando de repente ven a dos perros bien enchufados. La mamá le dice a Pepito:

No veas Pepito, no tiene caso; sucede que el perrito se rompió una patita y su mamá lo está ayudando a llegar a su casa…

Como la mamá se da cuenta que Pepito viene enojadísimo, le pregunta:

Oye pepito, ¿qué te pasa, algo te preocupa…?

¡No mamá, lo que pasa es que ese pinche perro abusivo, aparte que lo van ayudando, todavía se la venía COGIENDO!

Un tipo va al África y, para no sentirse tan solo, decide llevar a su perro. El primer día del safari, el animal, muy contento, se pone a corretear mariposas y cuando menos se lo esperó ya se había separado del grupo.

El can, desesperado, empezó a buscarlos cuando, en eso, ve que una pantera muy enfurecida se dirigía hacia él dispuesto a comérselo.

Asustado, rápidamente piensa qué hacer; ve unos huesos que estaban junto a él y los empieza a morder. Justo cuando la pantera lo iba a atacar, el perro exclama:

¡Mmmmmm, qué rica pantera me acabo de comer!

La pantera, al escuchar eso, se frena con estruendo y huye muy asustada mascullando:

¡Pinche perro, por poco y me come a mí también!

Pero arriba de un árbol, estaba un chango que vio todo lo que había pasado. Éste se baja muy rápido y va tras la pantera para chismearle todo lo que vio. Al escuchar aquello, la pantera, muy enojada, le ordena al mono:

Súbete, vamos con ese maldito perro para ver quién se come a quién.

El sabueso se da cuenta que la pantera viene, con el simio trepado, dispuesta a todo. En un instante, el perro adivina que el chango fue con el chisme pero en lugar de correr, se da la vuelta como si no hubiera visto nada. Cuando la pantera ya lo iba a atacar, el perro se queja:

¡Pinche chango, ya tiene como media hora que lo mandé por otra pantera y el cabrón todavía no regresa!

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.



Tech: Whats the problem?



User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.



Tech: Youll need a new power supply.



User: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.



Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. Youll need to replace it.



User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.



Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.



Tech: Sorry, Sir. We dont normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.



User: I knew it!



Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.



Ten minutes later.



User: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking.



Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?



User: MS-DOS 6.22.



Tech: Thats your problem there. That version of DOS didnt come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.



One hour later.



User: I need a new power supply.



Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?



User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.



Tech: Then what did he say?



User: He told me that my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle