Just remember kiddo, shit makes a garden grow.
22
Oct
22
Oct
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember
that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian
burn.
22
Oct
You might be a redneck if…
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
22
Oct
There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldnt see the game, so he began looking around.
Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
The man replied, No. So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?
The man answers, Oh, that was my wifes seat.
Where is she? the guy replied.
She died.
Oh, Im sorry…dont you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?
No, they couldnt come.
Why?
Because they are at her funeral.
22
Oct
You might be a redneck if…
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
22
Oct
Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A. Its called, Sosumi.
21
Oct
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor
11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive
14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!
15. Roseanne looks good
16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. Youve fallen and cant get up.
20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.
21
Oct
Tres generales, uno de Estados Unidos, uno ruso y uno argentino, están en un barco presumiendo de lo valerosos que son sus hombres. El general gringo llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:
TÃrate al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve.
El soldado, sin pensarlo dos veces, se tira de cabeza al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve. Entonces el general americano le dice a los otros dos generales:
¿Son estos huevos o qué?
Pero el general ruso no se deja impresionar, llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:
TÃrate al agua, da veinte vueltas a barco buceando, y caza un tiburón con tu cuchillo.
El ruso se lanza al agua inmediatamente, y sin asomarse a respirar da las veinte vueltas al barco y luego mata con su cuchillo a un tiburón que pasaba por allÃ. Cuando vuelve al barco con el tiburón, el general ruso le dice a los otros dos:
¿Son estos huevos o qué?
Entonces el general argentino llama a uno de sus oficiales y le dice:
Te vas a tirar al agua haciendo el salto del ángel, vas a bucear hasta el fondo del mar, vas a buscar un barco hundido con un tesoro, y mientras te lo traes aquà vas a matar veinte tiburones con tus manos desnudas.
El oficial argentino le contesta indignado:
¿Oiga, y por qué no manda usted a su puta madre?
El general argentino se vuelve hacia los otros dos generales y les dice con la cara rebosante de orgullo:
¿Son estos huevos o qué?.
21
Oct
Un dÃa por la mañana, un hombre decide ir a buscar caracoles, tras convencer finalmente a su mujer prometiéndole que no llegará tarde.
Cuando está en camino, se encuentra a un viejo amigo que le invita a tomar unas copas y recordar viejos buenos tiempos. Con la distracción, el tipo se olvida de ir a buscar caracoles, y se pasa todo el dÃa y la noche de fiesta con su amigote. Cuando se acuerda, ya por la mañana del dÃa siguiente, se pone nervioso por la preocupación y la bronca que le echará su mujer.
Entonces, va a una tienda y compra un bote de caracoles y se va para casa. Cuando llega a la puerta de su casa, esparce los caracoles por el suelo, pica al timbre y cuando abre la mujer, el sujeto ordena a los caracoles:
Venga, va, que ya llegamos…
21
Oct
An Irishmans been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!!
What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.