A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?
No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.
The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?
It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.
Oh really? Whats it telling you now? she inquires.
Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…
The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
Damn thing must be an hour fast!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Mean Horoscope
Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pieces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 – Apr 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (Apr 23 – May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and annot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of crap.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickencrap. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Posted in Foul Language |
One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that theyd die for their woman just dont come through.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become –
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become –
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become –
MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become –
Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become –
Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become –
Honey Im Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become –
Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become –
FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become – Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
–
3 Penney Opera.
Knotts Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become
– Knott NOW!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q: What is blue and sings alone?
A: Dan Akroyd.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”
Posted in Bar |
A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket…
The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, Im a cute looking blonde and Im flying first class.
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta….
The blonde then retorts, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class.
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening….
The blonde tells him, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class….
The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin…
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.
Posted in Blonde |
Estaba un tipo tranquilamente leyéndose el periódico en la terraza de la casa, cuando de pronto, viene su mujer por detrás y le da con una olla en la cabeza.
El hombre, medio desmayado le dice a la esposa: pero, ¿qué pasa amor? ¿Qué te he hecho?
La mujer le muestra un papelito que tiene escrito Marilú y le recrimina: esto lo encontré en el bolsillo de tu pantalón. ¡Eres un infame, un sucio! Y se echa a llorar.
El hombre se le acerca y le susurra: amor, no me juzgues mal. ¿Te acuerdas que el sábado fui a las carreras de caballos? Marilú fue uno de los caballos por los que aposté.
La mujer se disculpa, pues se da cuenta de que sus celos son infundados, y se retira a seguir sus deberes en la cocina.
El hombre sigue leyendo su periódico, cuando de pronto se aparece la mujer, que le vuelve a propinar otro golpe en la cabeza.
Al cabo de 5 minutos, el hombre recupera el sentido y le cuestiona a la mujer: y ahora ¿qué coño pasó?
Tu caballo te llama por teléfono, responde la mujer.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |