10. I think of you as a brother.Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance. 9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I dont want to do my dad. 8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.6. Ive got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys. 5. I dont date men where I work.Translation: I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building. 4. Its not you, its me.Translation: Its you.3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. 2. Im celibate. Translation: Ive sworn off only the men like you. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its the male perspective thing. Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: Youre ugly.9. Theres a slight difference in our ages.Translation: Youre ugly.8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: Youre ugly. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: Youre ugly. 6. Ive got a girlfriend. Translation: Youre ugly. 5. I dont date women where I work.Translation: Youre ugly. 4. Its not you, its me. Translation: Youre ugly. 3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Youre ugly. 2. Im celibate.Translation: Youre ugly. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: Youre sinfully ugly.
Q: Whats the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: Thanks, guys…
The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspects cabin. Its a good thing he was taking that stuff… otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy…
Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesnt the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate – chances are good theyll end up reelected!
For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.
In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico – Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED hed get California moving again.
In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that the road with all the potholes, the road thats sinking or the one that is still closed by CalTrans?
The Material Girl is now the Maternity Girl – were not exactly sure how long Madonna has been pregnant, but if the baby was conceived in late March its possible shell have her child on Christmas Day – setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.
Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Wow! Virtual poverty!
Downsizing: Layoffs at Kelloggs have left employees demoralized. Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks about Frosted Flakes and he said, Eh, theyre OK.
More downsizing: Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow suit. Breakfast food downsizing means from now on, itll only be LIEUTENANT Crunch. Inside of every box of Lucky Charms youll find Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips! To save money, theyve also had to cut back on their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man figures.
Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire – even when parked. Apparently, Quality was Job Two. The folks in marketing havent missed a beat – if Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers. Boy, when Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, theyre not kidding.
Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide. Its already a hit with users of Windows 95 who still cant get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. Theyre going to call it, Hard Drive: With a Vengeance.
And finally in sports – okay, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. The Lakers are still the best team – when push comes to shove.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said,
Shes a doctor.
Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, Aaaaaahhh!!!
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says hmmm – thats weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.
Man to God: God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God to Man: So you would love her.
But God, Man says, why did you make her so dumb?
God replies: So she would love you.
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
Arizona: But Its A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Dont Pronounce the S
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
Washington: Help! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about normal tricks.
Well, they said, lets try this out.
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, Heel!
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.