Old and New Jokes

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldnt find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?

The stock boy replied, No maam, theyre dead.

4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesnt really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE – Naturally, Mother doesnt know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? Shes hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? Shes way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, lets get Moms opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE – Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE – Wish I could talk it over with Mom …

Federal Express and UPS will merge and become Fed Up.

Told to me by my mother, who owned a pharmacy in Tennessee, in 1950.

A fellow with a bad cough comes in to the pharmacy, walks up to
the counter and asks for the pharmacist. A young clerk tells him
that the pharmacist is not available. The man asks the young
clerk if he can recommend anything for his cough.

The clerk gives him a bottle of some medicine for his cough.
The customer takes a big swig, then after a few minutes, with
no apparent relief, he takes another, and another.

In a short while, the pharmacist returns, and sees his old friend,
the customer with the cough, sitting quietly in a booth
near the soda fountain. He says to his clerk that the fellow
has never before stopped at the soda fountain.

The clerk proudly tells the pharmacist the story of his transaction.
The pharmacist looks at the recommended medication and angrily
reprimands the clerk for recommending a laxative, instead of cough syrup.

The clerk reminds the pharmacist the whatever the mode, the medication
was effective. The pharmacist replies, Now, hes afraid to cough!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bach!
Bach who?
Bach of sweets!

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has not yet been implemented.

Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.

Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General pandemonium then ensued.

A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos so that the
counterman could view it, and she asked, Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?

The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, Yes. It looks like about six cups to me.

Oh good! the blonde sighed in relief. Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf.

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.

The man replies This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love em.

The luckless man asks But why do you smell each one?

Well..

he replies, hes a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?

Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

Why didnt the black man want to marry the Mexican?

– He didnt want his kids to grow up too lazy to steal.