A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says Hey what the hell are you doing?
The blind man says, Just taking a look around..
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend?
The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here all alone?
Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, Im the goalie!
A poor lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court was asked to donate a dollar. Only a dollar? said the Justice, Only a buck to bury an attorney? Heres a ten spot… go and bury nine more of them.
He was having a fairly uneventful international journey when all of the sudden he had an incredible urge to use the restroom.He got up and crossed over to the mens lavatory when he noticed a long line. The man, being positive that he could not wait any longer walked over to a stewardess.Please maam, may I go to the womens restroom? I noticed there was no line there.After much begging the stewardess relunctantly areed. Okay, sir. But please, DO NOT touch any buttons.He agreed and went to the restroom immediatly to relieve himself. Next to the toilet paper there were three large colored buttons. Being interested, and being male he said… Why not?He pressed the blue button. Immediatly a large mechanical arm with a powder poof at the end powdered his face.Hmm… interesting.He pressed the green button. Immediatly another mechanical arm with a brush on the end brushed the mans hair.Man, the guys are getting jipped.He pressed the red button. Everything went black. When he opened his eyes he found himself in a hospital room.Pushed a button, eh? A young nurse asked.The man felt a sharp pain in between his legs. Erm… yeah… He sighed.The nurse laughed. It was a mechanical tampon remover. She turned to walk away, By the way… your… your… its under the pillow.
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.
Heard yesterday from a very funny friend:
What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop
bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.
So God said, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, See God, I told you that would happen. Ill get it this time but youll have to get it next time. So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.
And God repeated, If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it. So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, I got the last one. So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?
Moses replied, No. He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.
A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.
The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things…during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.
The Nun then shyly speaks, I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a mans legs. So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, This is a tool…the tool that gives life.
The nun thinks for awhile, and says – well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camels ass!
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car that breaks down.
The mechanical engineer says: Maybe iss a stuck valve.
The electical engineer says: Maybe its a dead battery.
The software engineer says: I know. Lets all get out and get back in again, and see if that fixes it.