Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, How is the singing career going?
Stevie Wonder says, Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.
Nicklaus replies: Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but Im still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think Ive got that right now.
I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right, says Stevie.
You play golf!? asks Jack.
Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.
But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.
I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.
But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.
Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.
Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?
Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.
Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?
I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production Strap on Sally vol.3. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TVs Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the worlds most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), Nightrider style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
One day this non flying fly was setting on the bank of a stream trying to figure a way across. In the stream was a trout watching the fly, the trout said to himself, if that fly comes down Ill jump up and eat him. Back in the edge of the woods was a bear watching the trout watching the fly, the bear says to himself, if that trout jumps up Ill jump down and eat him. A little further back in the woods is a hunter watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the hunter says to himself, if that bear jumps down there Ill jump up and shoot him. A little further back in the woods is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the mouse says to himself if that hunter jumps up to shoot that bear hell drop that sandwich and Ill jump on the sandwich. A little further back in the woods is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the trout, watching the fly, and the cat says to himself, if that mouse jumps on that sandwich, ill jump on that mouse. Well the fly goes down, the trout jumps up, the bear jumps down, the hunter jumps up and drops his sandwich, the mouse jumps on the sandwich, the cat jumps toward the mouse and misses and falls into the creek and gets wet. So the moral to the story is if the Fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the hero of the story:
During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his fathers car
to drive to a New Years Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Years Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Years Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasnt 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test.
Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side
while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they
could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc.
At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state
troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately
asked him if he was the owner of <description of car>. He replied, Yes, I
am. One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous
evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer
asked to speak to his son.
When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was
in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level
had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give
him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he
had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, No!
When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to
remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone.
He said that the car was out back under the car port.
And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at
the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police
cruiser parked there.
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor. How much for this?, he asks. Id think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone whos bought it before has come back the next day to return it, says the proprietor. Why? I dont know–but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it. The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. Thats odd, he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now hes running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he cant stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder… Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him whats going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbor, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown! The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed. You didnt bring it back?? he inquires. No, Ive got just one question. Do you have one shaped like a lawyer?
(This really happened – the FE was suspended:)
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.
On one flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.
Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy arm!
So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – Hey, why dont you try this ball. He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
Use this one – You cant lose it!
His friend replies, What do you mean you cant lose it?!!
The first man replies, Im serious, you cant lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.
Obviously, his friend doesnt believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, Wow! Thats incredible! Where did you get that ball?
The man replies, I found it.
(Think about it… itll come to you 🙂
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blondes headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.She hears: “Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out."
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.
PROCRASTINATORS CREED
- I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
- I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
- I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
- I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
- I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
- If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
- I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
- I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
- I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.