Old and New Jokes

Va un vaquero por el desierto caminando y repentinamente se le aparece en frente un indio Apache que iba descalzo y con un hacha en sus manos y le dice:

Oye, tu levantar las manos ahora, y callarte la boca.

El vaquero asustado le dice:

Por favor, no me haga daño, yo le doy lo que quiera.

El indio le dice:

Yo no hacerte daño, indio querer botas tuyas.

Entonces el vaquero le contesta:

Está bien lo que usted diga.

Cuando el vaquero comienza a doblarse para quitarse las botas y entregárselas al indio, se le sale un peo. Y en ese momento el indio le dice:

Oye, indio cambiar de opinión, indio no querer bota, indio querer trompeta…

A man has a new job as a zookeeper. The head zookeeper tells him that if an animal dies round here then you will have to pay for them.

His first stop is a bird house and he finds 200 finches dead. The zookeeper looks on the chart on the cage which reads $1 a bird. The zookeeper cant afford that so he throws all the dead finches into the lions cage for the lion to eat.

His next stop is the ape house and he finds 10 chimps dead. He looks on the chart on the cage which reads $10 per chimp. He cant afford so much money so he throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.

His final stop is the bee hives. He finds 1000 bees dead. He looks on the chart and it reads a dime per bee. Knowing he cant afford such money, he mashes all the bees into a ball and throws them in the lion cage for the lion to eat.

The next day a new lion comes into the cage.

whats the food like He asks

Its not bad Says the lion Yesterday we had finch, chimps and mushy bees!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.



An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.



The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.



Yes, were fine. Were living on the fruits of love.



The old man replied, I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?

Theyre choking my ducks!

One time, Mark Bookspan was calculating his finances and he screwed it all up.

Rosss Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara. The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem!! I buy. I buy. Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France. The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build. Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis. The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!

Ho,ho,ho!

Right up there with military intelligence

Some favorite Oxymorons

assistant supervisor
new tradition
original copy
plastic glass
uninvited guest
highly depressed
live recording
authentic reproduction
partial cease-fire
limited lifetime guarantee
elevated subway
dry lake
true replica
forward lateral
standard options
mandatory volunteer
mutual differences
nondairy creamer
open secret
resident alien
silent alarm
sports sedan
wireless cable
mercy killing
lethal assistance (Contra aid)
business ethics
friendly fire
genuine veneer
full-time day care
death benefits
holy war

A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
says, I have to tell you something about your baby.

The woman sits up in bed and asks, Whats wrong with my baby, Doctor?
Whats wrong?

The doctor replies, Well, now, nothings wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.

The woman looks a little puzzled, A hermaphrodite… whats that?

The doctor says, Well, it means your baby has both the… er…
features… of a male and a female.

The woman turns pale. She exclaims, Oh my god! You mean it has a
penis and a brain?

Because Im a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, Ill miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because Im a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road-service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isnt running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Imlooking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

Because Im a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

Because Im a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like Cumin or Tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.

Because Im a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because Im a guy, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – how the heck could HE know where were going?

Because Im a guy, there is no need to ask me what Im
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so dont.

Because Im a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when sh