Old and New Jokes

Why dont women go skiing?

Theres no snow between the kitchen and the bathroom.

James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?
Bob replied take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild! So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said Ive tried the potato and it doesnt work! Bob looked at James and asked, have you tried putting the potato in the front?

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?

Its a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.

First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

Hi Marve,

Thought Id send a short e-mail to apologize about our lunch date yesterday … I dont know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there … guess Ive learned my lesson – you just cant have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9swwb3@@kkjnn xbbp $mmk??? zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 —// … — with kids around.

Sandra Bell-Lundy in Readers Digest

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

En su viaje a Nueva York, Manolo compró una televisión para llevársela a su familia.

¿Es qué no hay televisores en su país?, preguntó alguien.

Claro que los hay, pero los programas de aquí me gustan mucho más.

She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
She startles the animals at the zoo.
On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
She makes onions cry.
Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they dont give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when
abroad.

Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else
when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.

Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.

Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Attempt to take the order-takers order.

(Hi, may I take your order?) before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e.,

Hi, Ill have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if theyll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to check out the babe.