Old and New Jokes

TEACHER :I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper.

GARY: I hope you didnt either.

1. Sus deseos de amar aumentarán a medida que los de su cónyuge disminuyan. Pero para cuando el deseo de su cónyuge haya aumentado considerablemente, usted ya se habrá masturbado.

2. Si su conyuge goza demasiado es porque está fingiendo.

3. Si hace mucho tiempo que sus amigos y/o parientes no lo visitan, póngase a hacer el amor. Medio minuto antes del climax aparecerán todos ellos.

4. La cama de su dormitorio hará más ruido el día que la casa esté en absoluto silencio y llena de gente atenta a sus movimientos.

5. ¿Cómo hacer el amor con su esposa, que siempre pone excusas? Llegue agotado del trabajo y ese día ella tendra muchísimas ganas.

6. En el momento de mayor desenfreno alguien tocará el timbre con insistencia, o sonará el despertador, o llamarán por teléfono, o por el portero eléctrico, o todo junto.

7. Siempre habrá otro que ya le hizo antes a su pareja lo que usted pretende sea una novedad. Y, con seguridad, se lo habrá hecho mejor.

8. Su mujer siempre le reprocha a usted el quedarse dormido después del amor, ignorando que ese hecho es parte de la naturaleza del hombre. Pero cuando usted se esfuerce y permanezca despierto, acariciándola, mimándola e inclusive preparándose para el segundo, ese día ella se dormirá.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Millers president orders a Millers.The president of Coors orders a Coors.When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didnt you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys arent having a beer neither will I.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 50 years!

The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time. The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!

The doctor replied You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.

The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?

Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck.

Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

Very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?

Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.

Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!

Two flies were strolling along the ceiling of an apartment.

You know, remarked the first little fly, human beings are so silly!

People are silly? replied the second fly. How do you figure that?

The first fly shrugged his wings. Just take a look, he said, They spend good money building a nice high ceiling, and then they walk on the floor.

From: Herbert V. Prochnows The Speakers Treasury of Stories for all Occasions

A: She drowns it.

My wife saw these in the current Business and Finance so maybe theyre
not that new. (USA readers substitute Yugo for Lada)…

Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Users Manual?

A. The bus and train timetables.

Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?

A. A bloody miracle.

The was a man who had three georgeous kids and one extremely gruesome one.
While on his deathbed, he asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I the father to our last boy, Craig?"
"Yes, honey," rplied his wife, "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Maria, gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank goodness he didnt ask me about the other three."

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.