Old and New Jokes

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Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Q: What do John Elway, Art Modell, and O.J. Simpson all have in common?

A: They all killed the Browns!

If you are one of those people who feels tired of working too much, it is good to remember the words of Bernard Shaw who wrote: The year is made up of 365 days, each having 24 hours,12 of which are night time hours, which add up to a total of 182 days.

This leaves you with 183 days to work minus 52 Sundays, which leaves you with 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays, which leaves you with 79 days to work.

But, there are 4 hours each day, set aside for eating, which adds up to 60 days, which leaves you 19 days for working. But you are entitled to 15 days of your vacation, which means you have 4 days left for work minus 3 days, which you usually take off due to illness or other emergencies, which leaves you 1 day to work, which happens to be Labour Day which is a Holiday.

SO, WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED?

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine Sex. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning. I said, I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said I would like to have one too! When I said But this is a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied, You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said,Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, Show off! I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said, Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, Me too.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Well, Sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely.

The doctor said, Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, Will you get lost?

Im trying to take a shit!

One day, on a notice board, a message was written: A parker pn lost if found plz return to me The next day, another notice was put up: If anybody finds an E plz add it to the spelling of PEN

1. The cucumber has left the salad.2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.7. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

Heres a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But youll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

At that moment, the substitute organist played, The Star Spangled Banner.

Blonde quickies 6
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?

Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say Next
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: Hes had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: Thanks for the refill!

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonds ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they dont know any better.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Whats a lightbulb?
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!