Cierta vez, una mujer se encontraba con su amante en un restaurante:
Querido, tengo ganas que me hagas el amor en mi casa.
¿Y si llega tu marido?
No te preocupes por él: es un pendejo.
Llega la noche y, ya en la casa, los amantes están en la recámara haciendo sus cosillas, cuando entra el marido al cuarto y los sorprende in fraganti:
¿Qué están haciendo, cabrones?
¡No te digo, mi marido es un pendejo: no sabe lo que estamos haciendo!
El marido que llega a su casa muy pero muy caliente y le dice a gritos a su mujer:
Cariño, cariño, esta noche te voy a poner el chocho como un frigorÃfico.
¿Cómo, fresquito?, le responde la mujer.
No, lleno de huevos, carne y leche.
When something is new and improved, which is it? If
its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its
an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
One day a community decided that they wanted to find out whos got the most talented dog. So three people showed up. When the judges were ready, they asked a young boy with a golden retriever, What can your dog do? The boy replied,My dog can sit and stick his head out the window without drooling. Then a second girl came in with a poodle and said, Well my dog can shake hands and stick her head through the car window and sing!
While they were arguing over whose dogs the best, a boy walked in the room crying, holding a collar in his hand, but no dog was with him. The judges said, Wheres your dog? The boy said, He stuck his head out the window.
(This joke comes from folk musician Art Thieme, who told it at a
University of Chicago Folk festival)
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
with a rifle and a dead loon.
What in the world do you think youre doing? Dont you know that
the loon is an endangered bird?
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger a trunk containing
12 more dead loons.
What on earth are you going to do with 13 dead loons? the
ranger asked.
My family eats them.
Well, what does a loon taste like?
Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan…
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the
captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman
above him he shouted:
Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the
young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also shit in
your pants.
Bill Kennedy or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM
Among the crowd about to pass through the boarding gate at Houston Intercontinental Airport were a sailor and a girl kissing. Others were kissing, and no one paid any attention – except an idle people watcher who noted that neither the girl nor the sailor got on that plane. They simply walked over to another gate and kissed some more.
A man is in court for murder and the judge says You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.
Then a voice at the back of the court says, You bastard!
Then the judge continues, you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.
Again the voice at the back of the court says, You bastard!
The judge says, Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court. Now, what is the problem?
The man at the back of the court replies, Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!
It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.
The following extraordinary story appeared in a local South African newspaper (The Argus):
LONDON. – A university lecturer whose erect penis popped out during a private lesson with a girl student has blamed his washing machine.
Scientist Ian Rabarts, 53, told a Cambridge magistrate his washing machine was not rinsing properly. Some powder was left inside his underpants.
It caused a rash which made me itch, said Mr Rabarts, so I let my genitals hang out of my briefs.
The father of two said a whiff of student Michelle Sowden-Frosts perfume caused his penis to become erect.
The displacement of my underpants because of the problems with my crotch and the unwitting leaving open of my fly allowed the erection to protrude through the slip of my lab coat. It was an absolutely horrifying situation for me.
The magistrate accepted that the incident was accidental and Mr Rabarts was cleared of indecent exposure.
His wife said they had since bought a new washing machine.