Old and New Jokes

Ted and John wanted to get away from the countryside and see the world. One
day Ted said to his brother You know, we could do really well setting up
our bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

John thought this was a great idea, so the two pooled their money and
bought all the equipment they needed.

They traveled to Mexico and began to set up a tower near the center of the
town for good publicity. As they began building the tower, a crowd
assembled nearby. Slowly more and more people gathered to watch them work.

They were excited at having such a big audience that Ted decided to jump
and show his prospective clients all about bungee jumping.

He bounced at the end of the cord. When he came back up, John noticed that
he had a few cuts and scratches. As he flew by, John asked if the cord was
too long. Unfortunately, he wasnt able to catch him. So Ted fell again,
bounced and came back up.

This time Ted was seriously bruised and bleeding. Again, John just missed
catching him and asked if the cord was too long.

Ted fell a third time. This time, when he bounced back, he was a complete
mess with a couple of broken bones and was almost unconscious.

Luckily, John finally caught his brother and said What happened? Was the
cord too long?

Ted said, No, the cord was fine, but what in the world is a piñata?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A young Father has finally had enough of his sons wetting his pants, and takes him aside.

Son, said the Father, You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!

The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the proper method.

Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!

The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is doing his thing to see how well his instructions are being followed.

The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five…

Guaranteed spot on Geraldo
In family Christmas card photo, youll always be at the top of the pyramid
Two words: engagement tattoo
You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
Theyre really rich
On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
Finally satisfy your family whos been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman
Your very own five-inch section of the bed
When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
No leftover wedding cake

Q: Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?

A: Because he went to the hormonica!

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, Ill do anything you want for 50 bucks.

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two fives, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the womans hand and says, Here…paint my house.

These three brothers all got married on the same day and all went to the same location for their honeymoon. That evening, they got together without their wives and were bragging about how much shagging they were going to do that night. They eventually came to an agreement that they would use some form of code words the next morning, in front of their wives, to let each other know how they had got on the previous evening.

Anyhow, the next morning came, and the three exhausted men were at the breakfast table with their wives. The waiter came over and asked the first what he wanted for breakfast and he replied: Ill have TWO slices of toast please!

The other two knew what he meant and they subtley smiled to themselves.

When the second was asked, he replied: Ill have THREE slices of toast please!

The third brother at this point subtley smiled again and when he was asked, he replied: Ill have FOUR slices of white… and THREE slices of brown

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT

User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:

Features:

User Friendly

Low Power CPU

Self Portable Operation

Dual Video and Audio Input

Audio Output

Auto Search Capability for Input Data

Auto Search for Output Bin

Auto Learn Program in ROM

Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use

Wide Operating Temperature Range

Mouse Driven

Self Cleaning

Production Details:

After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCATs quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.

Transportation:

A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation
to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may
result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the
user.

Installation Procedures:

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to
verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational.
The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are
indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may
manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an
environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a
quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the
transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize
the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next
step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain
H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy
pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output
bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may
be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For
the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode.
When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to
sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new
information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be
interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be
placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements
are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is
normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full
portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let
the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit
life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to
unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to
virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to
port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are
never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties.
If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT
file with a system address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be
repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you
issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many
owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also
get the CATs attention by booting the system. While this is
effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the
system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.

Applications:

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there
are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their
system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young.
Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced
response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:

CACHE

The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but
the object code must be smaller.

MIRROR

Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its
name.

STRING

The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP

Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
heights of operation.

CHASE

Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take
turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING

Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:

CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do
not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This
can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT.
There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits
strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a
VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or
female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may
emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs
with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The
VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

Caution:

CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain
documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user.
Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT
deploying its auto defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its
CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors
have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not
poke anything into the CATs I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build
up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do
not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to user damage.
Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its tail.

Service Life:

As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every
situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The
Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their
own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or
studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of
loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most
users dont need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability
to run complex simulation games.

User Groups:

CAT users can find other users on the msn group called
The Scratching Post.

Lifetime Warranty:

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine
coupons are included.

Specifications:

Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint
in the industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for
maximum user friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM.
Upgrades available real soon now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with
+/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).

Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. Speed 3
milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist
technology. Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome
(black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors
with 40 gigabits of high resolution pixels. Sound Chip 16
octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). Power Consumption 250 grams
protein daily (2 micrograms per second.) Operating Range -30 to
+45 deg C (-22 to 105 degF) Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min,
dwell at all resonance points.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much well pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what well do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?

The man says, When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?

The man says, Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers.