Old and New Jokes

The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Die written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and yells Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?! The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.



Bill hollers Well dammit, dont just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT! The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first? Clinton says Oh Hell, give me the bad news first.

The officer says Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine. Clinton says Oh my god, I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. …Well, whats the really bad news? The officer replies Well, its Hillarys handwriting.

TRAFFIC JAM A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and hes all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $

33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.

Oh really? How much have you collected so far? Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits hes powerless over light bulbs.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered, Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe pain.

I know, but cant you give me some idea?, she asks.

Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…

Like this?

A little more…

Like this?

No. A little more…

Like this?

Yes. Does that hurt?

A little bit.

Now stretch it over your head!

Existía un tipo muy malo al cual apodaban el Choro, ya que este tipo era tan malo y tan choro a la vez que mataba al que quería, pero antes de eso le bailaba una extraña danza.

Un día el Choro paseaba con su novia y un hombre le grita un piropo a su mujer. El Choro indignado le hace la danza y lo mata, con tanta mala suerte que lo pilla un par de policías y se va preso varios años.

Cuando salió de la cárcel se entera de que su novia se casaba ese mismo día con otro tipo, esta perra me las paga dijo para sí mismo. Y fue a la iglesia.

Durante la ceremonia la novia se percata de que El Choro está en la puerta de la iglesia haciendo su danza. Muy asustada le dice a su nuevo novio:

Mi amor, me está bailando El Choro.

Y él le responde:

Y a mí ya me zapatea la verga…

Twas the night before Christmas,

and God it was neat





The kids were both gone,



and my wife was in heat





The doors were all bolted,



and the phone off the hook





It was time for some nooky,



by hook or by crook.





Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude



Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube





When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,



That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.





Up to the window I sprang like an elf,



Tore back the shade while she played with herself.





The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built,



Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.





When what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.





With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,



A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.





Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite.



And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.





Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,



whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,



Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.





Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,



Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.





They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,



Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.





And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,



As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.





I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,



When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.





His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,



He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.





That was some brothel, he said with a smile,



The reindeer are pooped,



and Ill just stay here awhile.





He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,



Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.





I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,



The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.





Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,



But his toys were all gone,



and some new things were packed.





The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,



The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.





A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,



And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.





A bra without nipples, a penis extension,



And several other things that



I shouldnt even mention.





A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,



A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.





This suff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,



So Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.





He filled every stocking and then took his leave,



With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.





He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,



Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.





In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,



Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a bitch!





The sleigh was near gone when we



heard Santa shout,



The best thing about sex is that it



never wears out!

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.



Oscar, what happened to you?, asked the flea, because Oscarlooked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.



I got a ride down here in some guys mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off, wheezed Oscar.



Let me give you a tip, old pal, said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?



So you can imagine the fleas surprise when, a month or so later,while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.



Listen, said Oscar, I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.



And so? asked the first flea.



And so the next thing I know, Im on this guys mustache again!

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely! As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the companys secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyones amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said – The first thing were going to do is fix the blasted brakes on that truck!

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!