You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!
27
Oct
27
Oct
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
27
Oct
This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?
Joe says, Well hell, whats the matter?
The Man says, Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out hes gay.
Joe says, Man thats terrible, and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar… He walks in and says, Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?
Joe says, Well hell, whats the matter this time?
The man says, Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HES gay.
Joe says, Man, thats a damn shame, and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!
Joe says, Geez, doesnt anyone in your family love women?
The man says, Yeah, I just found out my wife does…
27
Oct
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called the George Bush Watch and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says, It doesnt need hands. Youre supposed to read his lips.
He then looks at a watch called the Ross Perot Watch and notices that it isnt running – the sales clerk tells him it runs, it doesnt run, it runs, it doesnt run…
He then notices a watch called the Bill Clinton Watch and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies $19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax…
26
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thomas!
Thomas who?
Thomas happy fella!
26
Oct
Un gerente de una compañÃa petrolera tenÃa una reunion con los altos ejecutivos de la empresa.
La esposa del gerente le pide que la lleve a la reunión para aprender algo. El esposo se niega y le dice: Noooo, ¿estás loca? Esa es una reunión muy importante y tu no me representas, eres ordinaria, mal vestida, grosera e imprudente.
Anda papi, llévame por favor, yo me portaré bien.
No, no, no, te dije que no, yo no me voy a arriesgar contigo en esa reunión, tu eres muy indiscreta.
Anda, papito, llévame por favor, te juro que me arreglo bien y no voy a decir nada.
Ok, mujer, te voy a llevar pero ponte la peluca amarilla que te regalo tu mamá porque tu tienes ese pelo muy feo. Y recuerda que tienes que ser muy discreta.
La esposa muy contenta se arregla, se pone el mejor vestido y la peluca amarilla.
En la reunion habÃa una mesa muy larga. Los hombres estaban sentados de un lado y las mujeres del otro, y la esposa queda justo al frente de él.
Comienza la reunión y al cabo de unos minutos, la esposa se empieza a rascar suavemente la peluca detrás de la oreja, el esposo la vé y le dice en voz baja: Tienes que ser discreta.
Continúa la reunión y al poco tiempo la esposa continúa rascándose la peluca pero más fuertemente, el esposo la observa y le abre los ojos y le dice: ¿Que pasa? Te dije que fueras discreta.
La reunion continúa y la esposa empieza de nuevo a rascarse la peluca, pero esta vez con las dos manos, de una manera muy efusiva, se para de la silla como loca, mueve su cabeza para todos lados…
El esposo se altera, se levanta de la silla y gritando dice: ¡Pero bueno, mujer, que coño pasa contigo, te dije que tenÃas que tener discreción!
Ella también alterada le grita: ¡Que más discreta quieres que sea, si me está picando el papo y me estoy rascando la peluca!
26
Oct
Manolo le comenta a un amigo: voy a tener que vender mi auto porque ya tiene mucho kilometraje.
Para que lo venda mejor, el amigo le sugiere llevarlo con alguien que le altere el cuentakilómetros.
Pasan dos meses y se vuelven a encontrar.
¿Lo vendiste, Manolo?, le pregunta el amigo.
No; ¿para qué, si ahora tiene pocos kilómetros?, responde Manolo.
26
Oct
Signs youve had too much of the 90s!
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as getting wasted.
You havent played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back Whats for dinner?
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you havent spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didnt give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
And finally…
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
26
Oct
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Greta!
Greta who!
Greta job!
26
Oct
Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, youve got it again.