Old and New Jokes

There was a women with blond hair, and she was driving her husbands truck.A while after she got on the road she heard police sirens so she pulled over.She said,whats the problem officer?


Maam do you know that youre swirving all over the road?


ya i know there is this little tre in front of me and i cant go around it


the officer saidthats an air freshener.

Three ducks were in court. The first duck was called up for questioning. The judge said NAME and the duck replyed Quack. Then the judge said What were you doing? and the duck replyed I was blowing bubbles. The judge then said I cant see any problem with that. OK NEXT. So the next duck came to the stand NAME and the duck agen replyed Quack. The judge again said What were you doing? and the duck replyed I was blowing bubbles. The judge then agreed that there wasnt a problem and shouted next. The duck climbed to the stand. The judge said name and the duck said Bubbles!

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldnt get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. You know what I would do? she said. See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it.

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Noah!
Noah who?
Noah dont know who you are either!

What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldnt want your friends to see you
on one.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how
close you came to getting hit.
If you dont hear it you got hit, so never mind.

A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace.
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.

About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace.
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.

A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace.
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the doorstep.

Not far from Rank Xeroxs office in Welwyn, England, there is a town called Hitchin. On one of the commonly used routes into Hitchin, there was a junction which often confused travellers, causing them to make a wrong turn. The resulting route was nine miles longer than the correct route into Hitchin.

This common mistake was sufficiently irritating that the local people wageda campaign to have a new signpost erected at the junction. After due process, the signpost was installed, and the local people showed up for the installation, holding a sort of mini-festival of celebration.

The local newspaper reported the event with the following headline: A Hitchin Sign Saves Nine

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.

All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
Teddy with your nose so red,
Wont you help me guide my sled?

Thats how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
Hes a drunken S.O.B.

You know youre Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet

Your daughters chastity belt has rusted

You cant afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices

You have more sheep dogs than sheep

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…

The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while

The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier

The grail you brought home has made in China printed on the bottom

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom

You won most improved at the tournament

They call your daughter made Marian

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says peace before discomfort

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son