Old and New Jokes

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says Ill show you, and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

See that? said the trucker.

The man said, Yeah.

The trucker ask the man, You want to try it?

The man said, OK, but dont hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him. Suit yourself, the farmer replied, you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.

Good girls say thanks for a wonderful dinner…

Bad girls say, whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man…

Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties…

Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors…

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot…

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner…

Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…

Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…

Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…

Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food…

Bad girls love italian waiters.

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!

Psalm of BushBush is my shepherd I shall not lie
He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.
He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party
He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the partys sake.My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party
and I shall live in a rented house forever.5,000 years ago, Moses said:
"Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I will lead you to the promised land."5,000 years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said:
"Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel
this is the promised land."Today, Bush will steal your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you know there is no promised land.I am glad I am an American and I am glad that I am free
but I wish I were a little dog and bush were a tree.

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didnt even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, thats wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”The children came in to breakfast and didnt say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, its such a beautiful day outside and its your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go.” We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, its such a beautiful day. We dont need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Lets go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat… naked.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None – theres no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont – as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and theres a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin a party Saturday…thought youd like to come.

Great, Sam says, after six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops. Gotta warn you theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin too.

Damn! Sam thinks, tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run. Well, he says, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties too.

Now that is not a problem, says Sam, remember, Ive been alone for six months. Ill definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want…its just gonna be the two of us.

Estaba Caperucita Roja paseando por el bosque, de repente se encuentra con el Lobo Feroz, y este le dice:

Caperucita, ¿qué llevas en la canastita?

Caperucita responde:

Unos bizcochos para mi Abuelita.

El lobo le dice:

¿Me dejas ver?

Sí.

El lobo empieza a mirar y le dice:

Pero Caperucita, tienes un pelo en el bizcocho.

Esta le responde:

Pues claro, no ves que tengo quince añitos.