Old and New Jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot: Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. Whoa.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know
how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children
decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight…

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no, Mam, said the pilot, What
is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
youll think of us here at US Airways.

Heaven is…

when the French are the cooks,

the Italians are the lovers,

the British are the police,

the Germans are the mechanics

and the Swiss run the hotels.

Hell is…

when the British are the cooks,

the Swiss are the lovers,

the Italians are the mechanics,

the French run the hotels

and the Germans are the police.

Say, said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, theres a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one thats ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?

What about your wife?

Oh, I wont be gone that long. Shell never miss me.

No, Im sure she wont miss you, smirked the host, but fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom.

The US has achieved its first victory in Afghanistan.

The Red Cross has surrendered.

The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.

The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.

Why do blondes like BMWs? Cause they can spell it!

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.



Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. Ill see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.



Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.



Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.



Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, Ill get it and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and sees that its her nextdoor neighbor. The neighbor notices that shes in her towel and says, Damn your fine! Ill give you $500 right now if youll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours She says, $500? Right now? He says, Yeah right now. She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door and she says that it was the nextdoor neighbor. He said, Cool! Did he have my 500 bucks?

If you were to strangle a Smurf, what color would it
turn?

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now Im going to retrieve it.

The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here.

The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.

The farmer replied, Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, OK, you old coot! Now its my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, No I give up, you can have the duck.