Old and New Jokes

Q. Youre in a room with George Bush, Mikhial Gorbachev and Boris Yeltsin, and
you have a gun with two bullets in it. What do you do?

A. You shoot Dan Quayle twice!

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.Gootness, its hotter dan hell today, she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, Vy nodt? So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. Ya know, Helga said, it is zo hot, I tink Ill have myself a cold beer. Anheuser Busch? the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, Vell fine, tanks, und hows yur viener?

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Over 3 million households around the country had to do without watching ABC TV earlier this week because of a quarrel over transmission rights between Time Warner Inc. and The Walt Disney Co., owners of ABC.

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Sale un aviso solicitando dos empleados para una oficina. Se presentan Manolo y José. Ya en la sala de espera, hacen pasar a José a una pieza y el encargado del examen le dice:

Este es un test muy fácil, usted sólo tiene que contestar una pregunta: ¿qué es de cuero, viene de a dos, tiene suela y se usa para caminar?

Manolo pone gesto analítico y a los diez minutos pregunta: ¿Tiene cordones?

¡Sí, hombre, tiene cordones!, contesta enojado el encargado.

¡Zapato! exclama Manolo.

Muy bien, el trabajo es suyo.

Manolo sale y le cuenta a Jose:

Esto es una pavada, me pregunta qué es de cuero, con suela y con cordones, por supuesto que es zapato.

Pasa José convencido de lo fácil del examen y el empleado le pregunta:

¿Qué tiene cuatro patas, es de madera y se usa todos los días para comer?

José piensa media hora y pregunta:

¿Tiene cordones?

¡No, animal, como va a tener cordones!

Ya sé, ¡mocasín!

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk. I want to fatten it up as fast as possible, she said. Sally got the job. Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.







A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer. Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer. But that wont let people know who it is, protested the lawyer. Certainly will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim Thats Strange!







On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible What are you doing? asked the friend. Looking for loopholes, replied the lawyer.







Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: Its such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.







Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they

cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.







A lawyer lies dying, has his partner of 40 years by his bedside. Jack, Ive got to confess. Ive been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and Im the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, Ive been stealing from the firm for a decade. Relax, says Jack, and dont think another thing about it. Im the one who put arsenic in your martini.







A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor. Sure, after the police leave, replied the attorney.







A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, What the hell do you think youre doing? The man behind him says, Im a chiropractor, and Im just keeping in practice while Im waiting in line. To that the lawyer replies, Well, Im a lawyer, and you dont see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?







Two lawyers were walking down the street once and this fine woman passed them. One lawyer said, Id really like to screw her! Then the other lawyer said, Out of what?







Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, lets be honest with each other. Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.







For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name! Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.







A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of yuall gonna have to sleep in the barn. The travelers agree to this and the Hindi volunteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the Hindu, who says, Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion wont allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow. The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, theres another knock on the door. Its the Muslim, and he says, Hey, Im truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion wont let me sleep near a pig. The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, theres another knock on the door. Its the cow and pig.







A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire replied the farmer. But what happened to all the lawyers?! asked the policeman. I buried them, The farmer said. They were all dead? cried the officer. Some of them said they werent, replied the farmer, but you know that lawyers are very good at lying.







A lawyer passes away and being the worst in his defense to his clients ends up at Satans door, upon his arrival he was greeted by Satan himself, looking at Satan he asks, why am I here? Satan replies, do you remember all the people you misrepresented and still took their money, though quite stunned the lawyer answers well, yes ok so, well Satan adds dont worry it will be fun here. And how so, the lawyer asks. Satan replies you look like a man who likes to have fun, right? Yes he answers. well we have daily scheduled events Monday through Friday. Mondays everyone gets to eat all kinds of food and you like that? Yes he answers. Tuesdays everyone drinks what ever they like no limit, the lawyer looks amazed, and can not believe he is in hell. So Satan adds do you like women? The attorney says why hell yes. Well then your going to love Wednesdays he adds, see not so bad so far. Well now for Thursday we offer a repeat of any of the previous days activities and you get to choose which day to repeat, WOW, exclaimed the shocked attorney, finally Satan asks now for Fridays, oh by the way, you wouldnt happen be gay would you? The stunned attorney said No! Satan says oh too bad your going to hate Fridays.







A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts, All Lawyers are scum bags. Another drunk stands up and yells, Hey, I resent that remark. The first drunk yells. Why are you a lawyer. No, said the second drunk, Im a scumbag.







A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.







A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands werent met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in
his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting
for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, I
was going to park there!

The man was a real smart ass and he said, Thats what you can do when
youre young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed
it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him, Thats what you can do when youre
old and rich!

This was faxed to a friend of mine, but he isnt sure who sent it to him. This
joke works best if you print it out and leave it sitting around the office or
anywhere it will stand out and get noticed.

Hello!

Im from outer space, and Ive made myself look like a piece of paper. While
you hold me, Im having sex with your fingers.

I know it feels good to you, because youre smiling. Im very horny, so give
me to someone else when youve had enough.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
A Stranger in a Strange Land

This was told to me by Sandy and Darryl Bem, both of whom are Psychology
Professors at Cornell University.

The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had
decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the
typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to
impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children.
For example, a frequent phrase was the only difference between a male and
female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina. When the
parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or
female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), I
dont know, dear, they have pants on, so we cant see if they are male or
female.

One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear
hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put
barrettes in his hair.

That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems
rearing plan), who related the following story:

Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was
wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, Because I felt like it.
The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.

A little while later, the boy comes back and says, Why are you wearing
barrettes in your hair? Only girls wear barrettes; you must be a girl.
Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, I am not a girl; I have a penis and
testicles, girls have a vagina. The boy once again walks away.

During recess, the boy comes back once again, and insists that Bem is a girl
because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, The only difference between
boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a
vagina.

The little boy exclaims, You must be a girl; youre wearing barrettes.
But Bem replies, Im a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look–Ill show
you! At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis
and testicles…

The boy replies, Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes.