Old and New Jokes

A man and a woman who lhave never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Iive got a better idea . . . lets pretend were married.

Why not. the woman giggles.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.

When he asks you if hes your first tell him, You may be, you look familiar.

¿Cómo entra un elefante a un refrigerador?

Respuesta: Abriendo la puerta.

¿Cómo entra una jirafa a un refrigerador?

Respuesta: Se abre la puerta se saca al elefante y se mete la jirafa.

Si hay una reunión en la selva, ¿cuál es el único animal que falta?

Respuesta: La jirafa porque está en el refrigerador.

Si tienes que cruzar un río que constantemente está lleno de cocodrilos, ¿cómo lo atravesarías?

Respuesta: Nadando, porque los cocodrilos están en la reunión.

Estaba Pepito jugando a la pelota con su amigo Pablito, cuando su mamá lo llama y le dice:

Pepito, ve a traerme unas tortillas a la tienda.

Al rato Pepito va pasando por la calle Colorado y mira que hay un desfile de reinas de belleza. Después de mirar a todas las que van desfilando, va y le dice a su mamá:

Mamá mamá, allá afuera en la calle Colorado van desfilando Miss Brazil, Miss México, Miss Chile…

Y la mama lo interrumpe enojada y le dice:

Y mis tortillas.

Y pepito le contesta:

No, mamá, esa no la vi pasar.

A man complained to his friend My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor. Dont do that, volunteered his friend theres a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:



You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks



That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.



He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:



Your tap water has lead.

Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.

Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.

Its not your baby – get a lawyer.

And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Your momma is so fat . . .

She was mistaken for Gods bowling ball!

There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea. But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea. But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear. But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwichs for my tea. But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwichs for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.

Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.











Which only goes to prove that Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.