Old and New Jokes

Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.


Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.


Traditional: Will not combine meat with milk.


Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.

Traditional: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.


Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.

Traditional: Hire shabbos goy to perform religiously prohibited tasks.


Reform: Hire Orthodox Jew to perform religiously required tasks.

Traditional: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the presence of the divine.


Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page everyone is on.

Traditional: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.


Reform: Women and men sit together, davening suggestively.

Traditional: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.


Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.

Mildred: Would you like to go the movie with me? Maxwell: Im already going with Agnes. Mildred: Ill hold your thingie if you go with me. Maxwell: Agnes says shell hold my thingie Mildred: Whats Agnes got that I dont? Maxwell: Parkinson’s.

What do you get when you cut a banana in two?

A BANANA SPLIT!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

Who is that man… and why is he so upset? a passenger asks the ships captain.

I have no idea, says the captain, but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.

Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddys hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic nature honeymoon.

He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
Billy Joe, be gentle, I air never been with a man bfore.

WHAT?
shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck…
down the mountain…
straight to his parents house… rushes inside screaming,
Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!’

His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
Billy Joe, whatre you doin here?

Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she aint never been with a man afore… sos I rushed outta there an lit back here quick as I could.

His father grasps Billy Joes shoulder in reassurance and says,
Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she aint goodnuff fer her family, she shure as shit aint goodnuff fer ours!

Q: What did one gay frog say to the other?

A: Rub-it Rub-it

A gorilla was walking thru a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, Whos the king of the jungle?, and the deer replied, Oh, you are, Master.

The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,Whos the king of the jungle?, of course, the zebra replied, You are, master.

The gorilla walked of pleased. Then he came across an elephant. Whos the king of the jungle?, he roared again, at the elephant. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, Ok, ok, theres no need to get mad just because you dont know the answer!

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…