1. Turn the radio on. When the instructors hand reaches to turn
it off, slap his/her hand.
2.Rev the car really high, turn to the instructor, and say with an
evil look, Buckle Up!
3.Come dressed in a suit.Before the examiner gets in the car,
ask him/her to put a peice of saran wrap so he doesnt get the
seat dirty.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch
and say, oops!
5.Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which
one is the gas again?
6.Fill your car with beer bottles.
7. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out
and the oil.
8. Throughout the entire test, talk about how Aunt Gertrude
smells like mothballs.
9.Swear at everybody on the road.
10. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remidial test.
11. When your at a red light look back and forth between the
light and the person next to you.
12.Beep your horn at everything.
13.Flip everyone off.
14. Before you go to take the test hang a stuffed hand outside
the trunk so that it looks like someone is inside.
15. Break off your rear-veiw mirror and then ask the instructor
to hold it
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
In the gloom they told me cheer up, it could be worse.
They were right – I did and it was.
A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other mans heart.
The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:
– Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?
And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:
-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?
Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:
Im so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?
Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?
Thats my wifes third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
Im number four…..
Knock Knock…
Whos There?
Boo…
Boo Who?
Stop crying its just a joke!
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident — it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, So, youre a man — thats interesting. Im a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man thoughtfully replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, And look at this, heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.
In surprise, he asked, Arent you having any?
No, the woman replied, I think Ill just wait for the police…
Two flies were flying around a pile of poo and the first fly started sniffing around and said, "Ew, who farted?"
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
What do you call an unemployed jester? … Nobodys fool.
Half of being smart is knowing what youre dumb at.
Why politicians dont enjoy the game of golf — Because for them, its too much like their work — you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.
Feminists lament: I think, therefore I am single.
Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: Push … Push …Push!
Sign in a podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: Reserved for plant manager.
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
Sign in a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?
Never face facts; if you do, youll never get up in the morning.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? … Make me one with everything.
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? … WET
rocks.
Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from paying as weve already gone.
Personals Ad: Financially Unstable Man – I owe everyone money. If youre not one of my creditor, Id like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99.
Personals Ad: Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with
real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67.
Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): Socks can eat anyplace they want.
Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone: 99 Cents. (Then, in fine print underneath: With meat: $14.95).
A hardware store has a sign that reads: Todays special. (Then, below it,in pencil): Sos tomorrow.
Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Chinese proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum.
How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he cant find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be Thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Windows – What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below