Old and New Jokes

One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his
friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.

Hey, said the demon, howd you like to make this one a hole in one?

Whats the catch? said the man suspiciously.

It shortens your sex life by five years, replied the demon.

Hmmm . . . okay, said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a
hole in one, just as ordered.

On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. Howd you like to make it
two holes-in-one simultaneously? said the demon. Its only been done five
times in the history of golf.

Whats the payback this time? said the man.

Shortens your sex life by another twenty years. said the demon.

I guess, agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends
were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two
holes-in-one in the same game!

On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. Its never been done in
the history of the world! Cmon!

No problem, said the man, agreeing. What do I gotta give up this time?

You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of
your life. said the demon.

Okay! said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.

And thats how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!

Un ventrílocuo, que andaba de gira, estaba actuando cuando, de buenas a primeras, se levantó una persona del público y gritó:

¡Oiga, lleva toda la noche haciendo chistes sobre lo estúpido que somos y ya me colmó la paciencia!

Tranquilícese, son sólo unos chascarrillos, responde el ventrílocuo

¡No le estoy hablando a usted, le hablo al hocicón que está sentado en sus rodillas!

Un tipo, famoso por su tacañería, se dirige a su hijo con la mayor seriedad:

Este reloj perteneció a mi tatarabuelo; de mi tatarabuelo pasó a mi bisabuelo; de mi bisabuelo a mi abuelo; de mi abuelo a mi padre; de mi padre a mí; y ahora quiero que pase a ti. Te lo vendo.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kentucky!
Kentucky who?
Kentucky too well, have a sore throat!

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest…Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new…under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with…a private jet.

A committee of three…gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you cant stand the heat…try Antarctica.

Better late than…absent.

A rolling stone…may dent the floor.

If at first you dont succeed…live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry…and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is….better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise…and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads…are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than…to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as…a mister.

A penny saved…is not a lot.

Dont burn your bridges…or youll fall in the lake.

Haste makes…sweat

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You dont want to try these techniques at home.Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience. I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. Hon, I suggested, Why dont you try carrying several things at once? The voice from the back asked, Did it save time? The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk
and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and
stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow
the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes
may be folded and used in little disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off
the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If
your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the
drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both
diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red
light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or
hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a
few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk
from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data
enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the
openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they
are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
(See item #2 above.)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored
much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other
document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may
be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from
spreading.