Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsofts new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:
1) GPF key–This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2) $$ key–When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3) ZD key–This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.
4) MS key–This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.
5) FUD key–Self explanatory.
6) Chicago key–Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
7) IBM key–Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.
The incredibly dumb
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system…
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms.
The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted.
The man replied, I want the kind with insecticide on them.
The proprietor responded, Dont you mean the kind with spermicide?
NO! shouted the man, I mean INSECTICIDE.
The proprietor asked, Why would you want a condom with insecticide?
The man replied, My old lady has a bug up her ass, and Im going after it!
Juanita y Pepe estaban por comprometerse en matrimonio. Pero antes de aceptar, ella pensó que serÃa prudente confesarle que, debido a una enfermedad infantil, sus senos no se habÃan desarrollado normalmente y, debido a eso, se le habÃan quedado de un tamaño equivalente a los de una niña de doce años.
Al enterarse de su secreto, Pepe le aseguró que no tenÃa de que preocuparse, que el amor que sentÃa por ella estaba por encima de esa contrariedad. Y ya que estaban en eso de las confesiones, pensó que también serÃa propicio contarle un secreto que escondÃa por muchos años. La miro a los ojos y le dijo:
Mi amor, tengo que decirte que tengo el pene del tamaño de un recién nacido. Espero que esto no sea problema.
Ella le contestó que el tamaño de su pene no serÃa ningún problema, porque lo amaba tanto que buscarÃa la manera de solucionar ese pequeño problema.
Se casaron, y al llegar al hotel donde pasarÃan su luna de miel, inmediatamente comenzaron con los manoseos y caricias. En eso, al introducir Juanita su mano en los calzoncillos de Pepe, soltó un grito ensordecedor y salió corriendo de la habitación. Alcanzándola, Pepe, asombrado, le preguntó qué era lo que le habÃa pasado. TodavÃa agitada, la chica le contestó:
¡Me mentiste, me dijiste que tenÃas el pene del tamaño de un recién nacido!
Es verdad, cariño, lo tengo del tamaño de un recién nacido: pesa tres kilogramos y mide 48 centÃmetros de largo.
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,…. > (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
What do you throw to a drowning [ethnic]?
His wife and kids.
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses, and yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath? The 94 year old yells back, I dont know, Ill come up and see. She starts up the steps and pauses, Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. Shaking her head she says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful, and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, Ill
come up and help both of you as soon as I see whos at the door.