Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack?
A: You call an hambulance!
16
Apr
16
Apr
How do you know if youre in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE – When intercourse is called making love.
LUST – When intercourse is called screwing.
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?
LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.
LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.
LOVE – When it doesnt matter if you dont climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you dont climax.
MARRIAGE – Whats a climax?
LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, Hi.
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.
LOVE – When you show concern for your partners feelings.
LUST – When you couldnt give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is whats on TV.
LOVE – When your farewell is I love you, darling…
LUST – When your farewell is So, same time next week…
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.
LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you dont care who knows.
LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE – When youre only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When youre only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When youre only interested in your golf score.
16
Apr
A blonde woman and her mother-in-law were among a group of women playing ball in the woods during a family reunion. They eventually lose the ball, so the daughter-in-law goes into the woods to find the ball they lost. While searching, she came across an oil lamp, and upon rubbing it, there appeared a genie.
The genie said, Because you let me out of my lamp, Ill grant you 3 wishes, though your mother-in-law whom you despise will benefit tenfold in order to keep you focused on what is truly important in life. The only way you can be truly happy is to give even greater happiness to the ones you do not like.
He asked, What is your first wish?
She replied that she wanted to be the prettiest woman on earth. The genie replied that he would gladly grant her wish but that her mother-in-law will be 10 times more beautiful.
He asked, What is your second wish?
She asked to be the richest woman on earth. The genie said, Okay but your mother-in-law will be 10 times richer.
He asked, And what is your third wish?
She replied, Id like to have a mild heart attack.
16
Apr
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this…
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
So what makes up 100% in life?
Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then…
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But…
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And..
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND look how far ass kissing will take you…
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
16
Apr
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
16
Apr
Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary
living with a tribe of black natives.
On day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into
his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white
man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and
that since hes the only white man for thousands of miles, he will
be the main course that night.
Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain chief,
says the Missionary. Youre jumping to conclusions here. Let me
tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and
how theres one black one amongst them.
OK! says the Chief, You say nothing, I say nothing!
16
Apr
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the
same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while
Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized
the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldnt
swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in
Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got straighted out. On his way up to
Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope How was your
night in Hell?
Very educational. responded the Pope. Ive learned a lot from the
experience, but now Im glad Im going to heaven. Ive been waiting all my
life to meet the Virgin Mary.
Sorry, said Clinton, You should have been there yesterday
16
Apr
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found
to make it complex and wonderful.
16
Apr
Three men are standing before St. Peter while he questions them about their lives.
Both the Italian and Irishman tell about working hard, being thrifty, putting their kids through college and going to church regularly. St. Peter is impressed and, taking them one by one, he says, There is one little test youll have to pass. How do you spell God?
They each answer, G-O-D, St. Peter tells each one, The Gates of Heaven are open to you.
The third man is black and his life story is about being single but living with six women, fathering twenty-five kids (with everyone on Welfare) and suffering from honky repression and discrimination.
Am I ever glad to be here, he says.
A very impressive story, St. Peter remarks, but, there is one little test you have to pass … how do you spell chrysanthemum?
16
Apr
1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If theyre OK, youre it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. Pauls Law: You cant fall off the floor.
11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Its easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youd be paranoid, too.
13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.
16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.