Old and New Jokes

10. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9. You pull the legs off your hamster so youll have a tribble.
8. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say Star Trek? Isnt that the one with Luke Skywalker?
3. You have no life.
2. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

   and number one sign youve watched too much Star Trek

1. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

Q: What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? A: A brain tumor.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

Un hombre vende tres loras en la acera, se le aproxima otro y le pregunta: Mire, ¿cuanto cobra por esta lora?

Mil pesos, le responde.

¿Y por qué tan cara?

Mire, esta lora habla español e inglés.

Bueno, ¿y la otra?

Ah, esa cuesta cinco mil, pues habla español, inglés y alemán, canta en italiano y sabe computación.

No, mejor dígame cuanto cuesta la más desplumada, desgarbada y sucia.

Ah, ésta vale veinte mil pesos.

Caramba ¿y esa que sabe hacer?

Mire, la verdad no sé, ¡pero las otras dos le dicen jefe!

Estaba en la escuela Pepito, cuando el maestro de Civismo les encarga un trabajo.

Niños la tarea será como está constituido nuestro país. Díganle a sus padres que los ayuden.

Al llegar a su casa Pepito empezó a preguntar:

Papá, cómo está constituido nuestro país?

Ay, qué preguntas me haces hijito, te voy a contestar con un ejemplo:

Anota: Yo soy el gobierno porque aquí en la casa mando.

Tu mamá es la Ley porque ella hace imponer el orden en la casa.

Tu abuela es la prensa, porque siempre está al tanto de los mitotes de la casa.

La criada es el pueblo, porque es la trabajadora de la casa.

Tu eres la Juventud de Hoy y tu hermanito la esperanza del país.

A media noche, Pepito se levantó a hacer pipí, cuando descubre a su papá con la criada, corre al cuarto de su mami y la encuentra dormida, va con su abuelita y la encuentra distraida con el tejido, regresa a su cuarto y encuentra a su hermanito bien zurrado.

Entonces exclama con asombro:

!Ah, ya entendí bien! El gobierno jodiéndose al pueblo, la ley dormida, la prensa haciéndose pendeja, la juventud de hoy desorientada y la esperanza del país ¡Hecha mierda!

Sign on a scientists door: Gone fission.

Sign in a taxidermists window: We really know our stuff.

Sign in a podiatrists window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign in a butchers window: Let me meat your needs.

Sign on used car lot: Second hand cars in first crash condition.

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, well call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting I cant believe it and Its a miracle and Hes alive . There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. It is over? he asked. Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldnt get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

That sounds terrific, said Jack. But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?

Well, said the Prime Minister. The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iguana!
Iguana who?
Iguana hold you hand!

. . . and ties go to the winner.