Old and New Jokes

yo mama so dumb she sold her house for rent money

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?

Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?

The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Dont tell people everything you know.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.

The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!

What do u call a black priest?

Holy shit!!

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer.

The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold
the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.

Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get
my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.

If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants
pocket, youll find the money for the beer.

The bartender got it.

Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more.
Where is the mens room?

Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks,
and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

from Rude Jokes
by H. Allen Smith
Fawcett Publications, Inc 1970
pages 15-16

Duke McMullan

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting I cant believe it! and Its a miracle and Hes alive!. There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. Is it over? he asked. Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

That sounds terrific, said Jack. But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?

Well, said the spokesman. The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.

Se encuentran Manolo y Venancio después de mucho tiempo sin verse, y comienzan a platicar de lo que había sido su vida:

Oye, Venancio, ¿y qué dices de tu vida personal?

Pues, nada, ¿te acuerdas de la Marijose?

Ah, pero claro, si a esa vieja yo le daba por el culo…

¡Pues es mi esposa!, recrimina el otro.

…Y ahorita le he de dar como por el hombro.