Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.Watson says, I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.Holmes replied: Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.

Bernadette urn-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize ur-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly, in this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man, Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mums bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man.

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

El perro de un abogado, corriendo sin correa, entra en una carnicería y se roba un gran pedazo de carne. El carnicero sigue al perro hasta la oficina del abogado y le pregunta a éste: Si un perro entra corriendo sin correa a mi carnicería y se roba un pedazo de carne, ¿tengo el derecho de exigir al dueño del perro que me pague la carne que el perro robó?

El abogado contesta: Absolutamente.

Entonces me debe usted 9 pesos. Su perro me robó un pedazo de carne hace unos momentos.

El abogado, sin decir ni una palabra, escribe y entrega al carnicero un cheque amparando los 9 pesos.

Dos dias después, el carnicero abre el correo de su casa y encuentra un sobre del abogado. Al abrirlo se da cuenta de que es ¡una factura por $50 en concepto de honorarios por la consulta!

Yo mommas so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!

Two heads are more numerous than one.

You might be a redneck if… Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, Ive been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but ITS DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or Im gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you wont wanna be around to smell it).

So, heres my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. Im sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, Id take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And whats with that earring anyway? If Im gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I dont care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just dont cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe PMS Barbie, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; Animal Rights Barbie, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or Stop Smoking Barbie, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonalds endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. Its been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, thats it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I dont think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. Its that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA