Old and New Jokes

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in
his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting
for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, I
was going to park there!

The man was a real smart ass and he said, Thats what you can do when
youre young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed
it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him, Thats what you can do when youre
old and rich!

This was faxed to a friend of mine, but he isnt sure who sent it to him. This
joke works best if you print it out and leave it sitting around the office or
anywhere it will stand out and get noticed.

Hello!

Im from outer space, and Ive made myself look like a piece of paper. While
you hold me, Im having sex with your fingers.

I know it feels good to you, because youre smiling. Im very horny, so give
me to someone else when youve had enough.

Thanks!

Sincerely,
A Stranger in a Strange Land

This was told to me by Sandy and Darryl Bem, both of whom are Psychology
Professors at Cornell University.

The Bems, being well-versed in the area of sex roles and psychology, had
decided to raise their children androgynously. This included not only the
typical male-toy/female-toy aspects, but they were also very careful not to
impose any of their own learned sex role socialization upon their children.
For example, a frequent phrase was the only difference between a male and
female is that a male has a penis and a female has a vagina. When the
parents were asked whether a person that the child could see was male or
female, they would reply (even if the parents could tell which it was), I
dont know, dear, they have pants on, so we cant see if they are male or
female.

One day, their son (then in Kindergarten) decided that he wanted to wear
hair barrettes to school. Sandy and Darryl, of course, acquiesced and put
barrettes in his hair.

That night, they got a phone call from his teacher (who knew about the Bems
rearing plan), who related the following story:

Upon arriving at school, another boy came up to their son and asked why he was
wearing barrettes in his hair. Little Bem replied, Because I felt like it.
The other boy was visibly upset at this, but walked away.

A little while later, the boy comes back and says, Why are you wearing
barrettes in your hair? Only girls wear barrettes; you must be a girl.
Bem, true to his upbringing, replies, I am not a girl; I have a penis and
testicles, girls have a vagina. The boy once again walks away.

During recess, the boy comes back once again, and insists that Bem is a girl
because he is wearing barrettes. Once again, The only difference between
boys and girls is that boys have a penis and testicles and girls have a
vagina.

The little boy exclaims, You must be a girl; youre wearing barrettes.
But Bem replies, Im a boy; I have a penis and testicles. Look–Ill show
you! At this point, Bem pulls down his pants to prove that he has a penis
and testicles…

The boy replies, Everybody has one of those, but only girls wear barrettes.

A man and a woman who lhave never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Iive got a better idea . . . lets pretend were married.

Why not. the woman giggles.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.

When he asks you if hes your first tell him, You may be, you look familiar.

¿Cómo entra un elefante a un refrigerador?

Respuesta: Abriendo la puerta.

¿Cómo entra una jirafa a un refrigerador?

Respuesta: Se abre la puerta se saca al elefante y se mete la jirafa.

Si hay una reunión en la selva, ¿cuál es el único animal que falta?

Respuesta: La jirafa porque está en el refrigerador.

Si tienes que cruzar un río que constantemente está lleno de cocodrilos, ¿cómo lo atravesarías?

Respuesta: Nadando, porque los cocodrilos están en la reunión.

Estaba Pepito jugando a la pelota con su amigo Pablito, cuando su mamá lo llama y le dice:

Pepito, ve a traerme unas tortillas a la tienda.

Al rato Pepito va pasando por la calle Colorado y mira que hay un desfile de reinas de belleza. Después de mirar a todas las que van desfilando, va y le dice a su mamá:

Mamá mamá, allá afuera en la calle Colorado van desfilando Miss Brazil, Miss México, Miss Chile…

Y la mama lo interrumpe enojada y le dice:

Y mis tortillas.

Y pepito le contesta:

No, mamá, esa no la vi pasar.

A man complained to his friend My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor. Dont do that, volunteered his friend theres a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:



You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks



That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.



He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:



Your tap water has lead.

Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.

Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.

Its not your baby – get a lawyer.

And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.