Old and New Jokes

Un allegado le informa a Macri (Presidente del Club Altlético Boca Juniors), que, en Irak, hay un jugador de fútbol excelente, que convierte tres goles por partido.

Tanto le insiste que, a pesar de la guerra, Macri viaja a Bagdad y ve que, efectívamente, Alí Yussuf hace tres goles en cada partido.

Después de rápidas negociaciones, y por un precio muy bajo, Yussuf viene a la Argentina, y luego de una semana de estar concentrado con el primer equipo, debuta en la primera de Boca.

En el mismo debut se convierte en ídolo de la hinchada, conquistando tres goles espectaculares.

Preocupado por su familia, y para contarles lo bien que le había ido en el partido que acababa de jugar, Yussuf llama a su familia desde la misma concentración y su esposa Nadim que atiende el teléfono le dice:

Por aquí todo mal. Ayer mataron al abuelo, una banda armada quiso entrar a casa anoche. Hace dos días quisieron violar a la nena y a mí me robaron todo lo que tenía encima, y además no podemos dormir por los tiros, las explosiones, las sirenas y los gritos de dolor. Y vos tenés la culpa!

Alí Yussuf le pregunta a su mujer:

¿Por qué soy el culpable?

A esto la mujer le contesta:

¿Y quién nos trajo a vivir a Argentina?

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.



About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.



Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, Dont you think its time we told him he was adopted?

As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.

Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

Fast food makes you sick quick.

In Computer Heaven:The management is from Intel,The design and construction is done by Apple,The marketing is done by Microsoft,IBM provides the support,Gateway determines the pricing.In Computer Hell:The management is from Apple,Microsoft does design and construction,IBM handles the marketing,The support is from Gateway,Intel sets the price.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?

Eventually, said the doctor, she will rise and shine!

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring generals body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles. The pension man said that would be fine but hed better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop em… he did… The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God!, he said, where are your testicles?

The general replied, back in Vietnam!

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.
The old farmer said, Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I dont have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?
The hunter said, Sure and headed for the car.
Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, No, we cant hunt here, but Im going to teach that old cuss a lesson.
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, There, that will teach him!
A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, I got the cow!!!