GENERAL
Any person with a valid state hunting and fishing license may harvest attorneys. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted The use of currency as bait is prohibited. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from all-terrain vehicles, helicopters, or aircraft. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of a BMW dealership.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, one hundred (100) dollar bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it : An attorney which demonstrates clear rogue behavior in public office is exempted from this restriction, unless said attorney occupies the office of President of the United States of America .
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department inspection for AIDS, rabies, or vermin. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of enticing, entrapping, ensnaring, or harvesting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
Variant Daily/Seasonal Limit
Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2/4
Two-faced Tort Feasor 1/3
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4/7
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3/7
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2/5
Honest Attorney Extinct (Sadly) Cut-throat 2/6
Weaseling Whiner 2/6
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2/6
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $500 Bounty/No Limit
Ruby-slippered Civil Libertarian 7/22
Rogue Politico Open Season/No Limit
A father said, Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair … hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
Oh! Im sorry, she said. I didnt mean to scare you away.
You didnt! he replied. Im going out to get you some jewelry!
A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.
Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.
Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!
Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.
Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!
And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!
Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.
Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.
After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said Because I dont believe you are over 21.
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didnt believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, Hey, where’re all the wimmin?
The Barman replies, Ain’t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.
Well what do y’all do?
We do it with the animals.
Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.
Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, You’re sure you do it with the animals?
Yes, we do, sir
Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.
The bartender was in front and said, My God, man, what are you doing?
I thought you said you all did it with the animals.
Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff’s broad!
Los Leperos organizaron un intercambio amistoso con New York. Al llegar los Americanos al Lepe quedaron alucinando de lo bonito que es esta tierra, y acordaron para el mes siguiente la visita de la delegación de los leperos a New York.
Al llegar el avión al aeropuerto suena una banda sonora y les habÃan puesto una alfombra roja. El avión frena y se detiene pero nadie se baja del avión…
El alcalde de New York ya preocupado les manda a la banda sonora que repitan el himno pero nada, nadie se baja. Ya mosqueado decide subirse al avión y pregunta:
¿Qué sucede por que no bajan?
Y los de Lepe le contestan:
¡Hasta que no capturen al tal Well no bajamos!
¡Pero a quien cojones se refieren!
¡Pues eso, que hasta que no capturen a ese Well no bajamos!
Pero por el amor de Dios ¿que es eso de el tal Well?
Y el alcade lepero contesta:
Si lo tienen ustedes ahà afuera escrito en las pancartas: Well COME Leperos.
Cutler Websters Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.