A un hombre le empieza a salir vello en toda la cara. Un dÃa se ve al espejo y ve que toda su cara está llena de pelo; de inmediato acude al médico y entra a la consulta gritando:
Doctor, doctor, ¿qué padezco, qué padezco?
Con infinita ternura, el galeno responde:
Padece un osito.
An Asian gentleman walks into an American bank needing to exchange currency. Handing over 55 yen, he is told by the teller that the equivalancy in american dollars will be $96.00. completing his transaction, he smilingly leaves the bank. One week later he returns to again, exchange some cash. Giving the teller 55 yen, he is told that the equivalancy will be $91.00. What you talk about!, he exclaims. Last week I come in, 55 yen is $96.00 dollar and today it only $91.00, you trying to cheat me?. No sir, the teller tried to explain, ..fluctuations…
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done…
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.
How many poles did your group set? He asked. Two. Replied the Blonde forewoman.
What! Just, two! exclaimed the Supervisor. The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?
It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us, replied the Blonde. But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!
How do musicians do it …
Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Altos have body.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in public.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it on the football field.
Baritones do it deeper.
Bass clarinetists put it between their legs and blow.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Clarinetists do it with alternate fingerings.
Contrabass clarinetists do it deeper with a lot of tongue and steady rhythm.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Drummers pound it.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
Harpsichordists do it continuously!
Music hackers do it at 3 am.
Music hackers do it audibly.
Music hackers do it in concert.
Music hackers do it in scores.
Music hackers do it with more movements.
Music hackers do it with their organs.
Music hackers want to do it in realtime.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians duet together.
Organists … um, well …
Piano players have faster fingers
Piano students learn on their teachers instruments.
Singers do it with their diaphragms.
Sopranos and tenors do it higher.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Tenors have breath control.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions.
Trombones do it faster.
Trombonists use more positions.
Trumpet players blow the best.
Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.
Tuba players do it with big horns.
Tubas do it deeper.
Violinists do it gently.
Violists do it alone.
Violoncellists do it low.
Virtuosi appreciate it.
Vocalists are good in their mouths.
Woodwind players do it in the reeds.
What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
Dam.
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
All right, son. asked the father, what does that show you?
Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.
Joe says to Bill, Want to see a picture of my Aunt?
Bill said, Sure.
So Joe takes out a picture.
Bill says, What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!
Joe says, Well sure it is… Its my aunt Chovy!
Q: Whats the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her. Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says No problem!! I buy. I buy.
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build.
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, I cut. I cut.
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man hed never seen in uniform.
Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.
Hello, Jack. No smile.
Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.
Yeah, I guess. Bob seemed uncertain.
Good. Ive seen some long days at the office lately. Im afraid I bent the rules a bit-just this once.
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?
I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.
Ouch! This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. Whatd you clock me at?
Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?
Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. Please, Jack, in the car.
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadnt he asked for a drivers license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
Thanks. Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it, a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one and Im going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times Ive tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left.
… Bob
Jack turned around in time to see Bobs car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, hetoo, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle with care.
This is an important message, please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the worlds going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Or is it scary?
Funny how someone can say I believe in God but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also believes in God). Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace. FUNNY, ISNT IT?
Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week. Are you laughing?
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because youre not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.