Old and New Jokes

The sentence doesnt contain the letter e.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course
lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you
drive the ball. Dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune
to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses.
All right, lets go up there, apologize, and see how much this is
going to cost.

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, Come on in.
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, Are you the people who broke my window?
Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, the husband replied.

No, actually, I want to thank you. Im a genie who was trapped for a
thousand years inside that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to
grant three wishes — Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the
last one for myself.

Okay, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life.

No problem — its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?
the genie said, looking at the wife.

I want a house in every country of the world, she said.

Consider it done, the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said.

Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looked at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replied.

And he still believes in genies? … Thats amazing.

You might be a redneck if your grandma goes to the bathroom and comes out yelling “Come look before I flush it!”

A man walks into a bar and says, Excuse me, Id like a pint of beer.

The bartender serves the drink and says, Thatll be four dollars.

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

Sorry, sir, the bartender says, but I cant accept that.

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. Whats going on here? the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, This is a Singles Bar.

When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke
You say, Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself? But then it does
Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt
Can turn lead into gold, but he cant remember to take out the trash – am I right, parents?
He wears shiny red satin robes – and youre just praying hes a wizard
Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz
Refers to Halloween as amateur night
Hes only 12, but somehow hes dating Gwyneth Paltrow
His homework ate the dog
You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Dear Mom and Dad:

Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We havent got the date exactly yet, but it will before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him.

I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and, although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a D in Calculus and F in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Susie

Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?.

A 12-pack of beer!

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Fridays wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Fridays seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter You Are What You Wear and consult the home casual versus business casual checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Reported by Houston Chronicles Ken Hoffman 😉

The most touching part of Cal Ripken Jr.s speech after breaking Lou Gehrigs major leagues baseball record was when he thanked the six most important people in his life: his mother, father, best friend, wife, and two children.

Not every pro athlete could have made that speech.

A few guys would have listed their six most important people as: his first wife, current wife, current girl friend, the women who claims hes the father of his child, agent, and lawer.

Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?