Old and New Jokes

The Perfect Dump – Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, its rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But thats not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumpers tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesnt matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from? you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump – In case you didnt know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Dont ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of dumps. Its as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe thats going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump – Youre done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say Where are the curtains?

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Yo mama is so poor that when u stepped on the cigarette she said hey, who turned off the heat?

Yo mama is so fat that when she wears and orange dress bungee jumping people think the sun is falling.

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesnt know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?



He says , Maam Im blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said Thats a 6 graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……Its a good all around rod and reel and its $20.00.



She says, Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for so Ill take it He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes

that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldnt know that she was the only person around.



He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50.

She says, But didnt you say it was $20.00?

He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!

Back during the Solidarity days, I heard that the following joke was
being told in Poland:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has
never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail? he asks.

Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw.

But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?

Well, thered be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by
the National Bank of Poland.

And if the National Bank of Poland fails?

Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow.

And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?

Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet
Union.

And if that bank fails?

Well, in that case, youd lose all your money. But, wouldnt it be
worth it?

David-Fiske

The following began life as a Top Ten list of Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler.
it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
nationality (read, the French.) Youll have to excuse the fact that some
of them are rather obscure, but thats what happens when you get a bunch of
political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you…

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy Schickelgruber to boring Hitler
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
image
Chose Deutschland Uber Alles over Lets All Be There as party
slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as that old Georgian fat back
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Bad toupee
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleons strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
war advice
Major theme in speeches–liebensraum, or living room–widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess pilot licence.
Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didnt put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word
got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town
in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish tanks for snowshoes offer before invasion of
USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
Forgot to write Dear Joey letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when Triumph of the Will failed to win
Oscar for Best Foreign Documentary–You dont like me speech
undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had Prince Albert in
a can
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the Oberdude
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Being born
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an Invade me sign on
his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought Deutschland Uber Alles was a veiled
threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a

drive-in movie???

They went to see Closed For the Winter!

The Court of King George III
London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteriaon which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion. You hold certain truths to be self-evident.Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government…. Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are th

I made this up.

Looking for a girl-friend

Following are some of the requirements.

* Make and Model Human/Woman
* Year 1966 – 1972
* Mileage Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
EFI**
Multi-port Injection
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission Manual
Over-drive required
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Brakes Front – Disk, Rear – Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color – any (original hood color)
Detailing – as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight – Less than 115 lb
Pleasant Grill
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost Less than the Bill of Rights

** EFI = Easy Front Interface

[Ed: A reversed version about men was also submitted, but it was too similar
to this one to warrant inclusion here.]

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.