Old and New Jokes

First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, its uphill and against the wind.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

HOW DO YOU CIRCUMSIZE A REDNECK ??…..KICK HIS SISTER IN THE CHIN .

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, I think Ill get up and get a coke.
No problem, says the attorney, Im by the aisle. Ill get it for you.
While hes gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorneys shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, That looks good, I think Ill have one too.
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While hes gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
How long must this go on? he asks the physicians. This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

Ive got a friend who was tired of always getting his order screwed up at the golden arches. One day, he drove up and ordered:

1 Big Mac, cold; 1 large fries, spilled all over the bag. A strawberry shake so thick you cant suck it through a straw. And no napkins!

Attendant: Huh?

Friend: Thats what I got last time I came here.

Universal resume translator

I know how to deal with stressful situationsIm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact wellI take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skillsI talk too much.
Im proud of my organizational skillsI love to tell other people what to do.
Im extremely adept at all manner of office organizationIve used Microsoft Office some.
Im honest, hard-working and dependableI only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesTo say nothing of all the McJobs Ive had.
I take pride in my workI blame others for my mistakes.
Im balanced and centeredI keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humorI know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
Im personable and interested in othersI give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Im willing to relocateIve just been evicted again.
I have a stable personal lifeOnce I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
Im extremely professionalI have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
My background and skills match your requirementsAt that piddling salary, youre lucky to get anyone.
I am adaptableIve changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the goIm never at my desk.
Im highly motivated to succeedThe minute I find a better job, Im outta here.
I have formal trainingMy probation officer says Im a natural student.
I interact well with all co-workersAll those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experienceIm always making personal telephone calls.
I look forward to hearing from you soonLike, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

An old farmer and his hired hand were clearing out a line of brush that had become overgrown. There were a number of trees among the bushes; the hired man asked if they should go, too.

No, said the farmer, That tree there has some sentimental value. The first time I got laid was under that tree.

Well, how about that other tree, then? asked the hired man.

No – Id like to save that one, too. Her mother was standing under it.

You mean her mother was standing right there the first time you got laid?

Yup.

Whatd she say?

Moo.

Whats the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday well find Bigfoot.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact


that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Odette!
Odette who?
Odettes a bad sign!