Old and New Jokes

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit, found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his native land.

Why didnt the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?

Very simple,… As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail.

Dos amigos están en una fiesta bebiendo champán a más no poder, cuando uno de ellos se da cuenta que se ha excedido en la bebida.

Martín, creo que no voy a beber más, estoy totalmente mareado…

No exageres, ¡anímate, que la noche es joven!

En eso se acercan dos señoritas a la mesa, con la particularidad de ser ambas idénticas.

¡Martiiiinnn!, ya no sé ni lo que veo. ¡Estoy totalmente borracho!

Entonces, una de las señoritas le dice:

No se preocupe, señor, somos hermanas gemelas.

¡Ahhhhh! ¡Qué alivio! ¿Conque gemelas, eh? ¿Las cuatro?

I had a coonhound once that was so well trained that all I had to do was show it a certain size fur stretching board and that hound would go out and tree a coon the exact size of that board.

Well, one day my wifehappened to set the ironing board out on the porch to clean it and I aint seen that hound since!

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if theyre intelligent.

I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen. Allow me to demonstrate.

She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?

Tony Blair responds, Its me, maam.

Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?

Yes maam. Thanks a lot. Ill definitely be using that!

Upon returning to Washington, he decides hed better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.

Why, of course, sir. Whats on your mind?

Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get back to you? Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it? Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumbass.

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!

And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumbass, its Tony Blair!

How does one identify a Kentucky virgin?

Shes the one who can outrun her brothers.

Yo mama so ugly that when they put her face in cookie dough, they made gorilla animal crackers from the impression.

1) Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana!
2) Life sucks …. and then you die!
3) What are you gonna do for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?!
4) If life is so perfect why are you still here?!
5) Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
and so are you,
but the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl is empty,
and so is your head.

A salesman asked Bubba where his friend Junior lived. Bubba gave him directions but cautioned him not to honk his horn.

Why not? asked the salesman curiously.

Well, you see, Juniors wife ran off with a banjo player about three months ago and every time Junior hears somebody honk, hes afraid the banjo player is bringing her back.

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Rainy WWW