Old and New Jokes

After seeing footage from the new movie The Lion King, I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. Id like to call it The Lion President.

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.

Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.



2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up, Put it down.



3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than

short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that

married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.



4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if

we can find the perfect present yet again!



5. If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect

an answer you do not want to hear.



6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.



7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are

prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun

formation and monster trucks.



8. Sunday = sports. Its like the full moon or

the changing of the tides. Let it be.



9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never

going to think of it that way.



10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely

anything you wear is fine. Really.



11. You have enough clothes.



12. You have too many shoes.



13. Crying is blackmail.



14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.



15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.

Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!



16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.



17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.

We are bound to miss sometimes.



18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you

think wed be any good at choosing which pair,

out of thirty, would look good with your dress?



19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable

answers to almost every question.



20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That

is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.



23. Check your oil.



24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.



25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.



26. No, it does not matter which quiz.



27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void after 7 days.



28. If you wont dress like the Victorias Secret girls,

dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of

the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.



31. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us

how you want it done-not both.



33. Whenever possible, please say whatever

you have to say during commercials.



34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.



35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose

their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.



36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.

We like staring at boobs.



37. The relationship is never going to be like it was

the first two months we were going out.



38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.

Peach is a fruit, not a color.



39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.



40. If it itches, it will be scratched.



41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.



42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why

MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.



43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

Our lack of mind-reading ability is not

proof of how little we care about you.



44. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,

we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are

lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly

fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;

the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nevada!
Nevada who?
Nevada saw you look so bad, you should be bed!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turets Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

What do you call a girl with only one arm and one leg? Eileen!

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, Hes 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.
The next-door neighbor protested, Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.
The wife replied, Yes, but who wants HIM back?

(A joke that I heard on the radio this morning.)

President Clinton and his family went out one evening to a baseball game. When the home teams catcher heard that the president was sitting in the stands, he went over to Bill and whispered something in his ear.

Bill smiled. A few minutes later, the catcher came over and said Its time, Mr. President.

Bill lifted Hillary over his head, spun around a few times, and flung her over the railing onto the field.

The catcher, who looked surprised, ran over to the president and said, You seem to have misunderstood my request. I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!

A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version)

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – Now Dasher, now Dancer… et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.

His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.

The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.

He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.

By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.

Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:

Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

HO! HO! HO!