Old and New Jokes

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

Say, Pop, said the boy.

Yes, replied his father.

The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said Excuse me and took his son outside.

Son, you mustnt use language like that in front of company. You should say The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy!

Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?

He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!

Blood vessels.

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was Lets make love. The parrot said it all the time,
embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest replied, I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, Let us pray. Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and Im sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day.

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out, Lets make love.

The priests parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
My prayers have been answered.

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

And this one, what a steal, he rhapsodized, the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years its gonna be worth three times …

Sonny, interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, at my age I dont even buy green bananas.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: Its triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.2. Good: Your wifes not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: Shes a lawyer.3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: Hes in them.5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You cant find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: Hes a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.7. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.8. Good: The postmans early.
Bad: Hes wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: Its another man.
Ugly: Hes your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. Go ahead, said the stage manager. Eat the shit, eat the shit!

I just cant do it, said the magician. Theres a hair in it!

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit — Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. *While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sportscar. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horses owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sportscar. At this, the sportscar driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. *Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns cant afford new lightbulbs – unless theyre a legitimate business expense.

A short guide to comparative religions:



Taoism : Shit Happens.

Buddhism : If shit happens its not really shit.

Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah

Protestantism : Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.

Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism : This shit happened before.

Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.

Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.

Atheism : NO shit!

Jehovahs witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.

Hedonism : Theres nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.

Existentialism : What is shit anyway?

Stoicism : This shit doesnt bother me.

Rastafarianinsm : Lets smoke this shit.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.