Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you turned your child in to the police because you thought he/she was Hooked on Phonics.

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.

Hey, dont worry, its just every 10000th flight that crashes.

1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!

Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. Its much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.

Q: How do you measure a blondes intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

This fella catches a leprechaun.

(Im sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories.
Well skip this part…)

…so finally the leprechaun says, Aye, ye shall have yar wish.

When?

Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye.

That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to
see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures
on his front porch.

The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, Are yew the
one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

If IBM made toasters …

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters …

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters …

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters …

Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters …

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters …

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters …

Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters …

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender,
and asks Can I please use the restroom? The place was hoppin with music, and
dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you
should.

The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the restroom? Well, the
bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there
is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!

The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by
that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went
to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the
place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet.
I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin again.

The bartender says,
Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I
still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, everytime the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I
get you a drink?

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he
squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the
elephant — first his legs and then up all over his body. When the
elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making
all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on
the elephant hung on close to the elephants neck, the ones on the
ground began to yell, Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!

You might be a redneck if you run from the cops on a John Deere tractor.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the job to the other applicant.

And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct, asked the rejected applicant.

We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed, said the Department manager.

And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other? the rejected applicant inquired.

Simple, said the Department manager…Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, I dont know.

You put down, Neither do I.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!



Whats the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.



Why is that, Eve?, comes the reply from above.



Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.



Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.



Whats a man, Lord?



This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all hell give you a hard time. But hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball

about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition.



Whats that, Lord?



Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.