A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
She says, Why, officer?
Because your breast is hanging out.
She looks down and says, OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, sure. The next thing I hear is, Hey, where do you put the coffee? I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare double sighting):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font theyd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?
Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Desde el bosque, Venancio y su mula, cargada con dos guacales en cada costado, se dirigen al pueblo más cercano. Como la noche los sorprende, el hombre decide amarrar al animal de un árbol, y él decide acostarse a un lado. Durante la noche, unos ladrones se roban la mula y a Venancio le amarran los guacales. Al amanecer, espantado, busca a su animal de carga:
¿Y la mula?
Pero al sentir los guacales, exclama:
Si yo soy la mula, ¿dónde está Venancio?
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman its over is to look her straight in the eye and say, Ill call you next week. But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. Its safe, its affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. Its at your fingertips right now: E-mail.
Thats how all the happening, 90s kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. Youll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:
Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
_____ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.
_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
_____ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team
into the bedroom so it would be just like college seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
– They took offence.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a ringing sound.
The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office.
Very important to be in touch these days, he says.
Yes, his golfing partners agree. A little bit later another, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation.
After the call he explains to his friends, Its the very latest in cellular technology – a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You cant even tell I have it on.
A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he explains, This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk.
Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he doesnt re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles.
Is everything okay? asks the American.
Yes, replies the Japanese golfer, If you could just give me a minute here, Im expecting a fax …
A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, This is unusual. He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up? The officer replied, The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that reduced funding will improve the Higher Education and Health sectors, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends.So were taking up a collection for him. The public servant asks, How much have you got so far? The officer replies, About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.
The angry preacher…
The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!
No one moved.
The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.