Old and New Jokes

One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were each making something for a party.

The blonde was making some kool-aid, the burnette was making a turkey and stuffing, and the redhead was making a cake.

Well, the burnett says, How in the world am I going to get all of this stuffing inside of this little turkey?

The redhead says, I cant possibly get all of this batter into this little bowl.

Then the blonde says, Enough with your problems. How the hell am I supposed to get a whole gallon of water into this package of kool-aid?

A woman and her husband decided to go on a skiing trip one weekend. They rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and were preparing to go down. The woman suddenly announced that she needed to use the restroom, and NOW. Her husband told her that since the coast was clear, she could just hide behind a tree and go.

Well, the woman had her pants down around her ankles when she suddenly began going down the mountain. She hit a tree on the way down and broke her leg and her arm and had several other bumps and bruises.

When she awoke at the hospital, she was surprised to see another man who was dressed in a skiing outfit and also looked as if he had been in a skiing accident. The woman was very curious about this man, so she asked him what happen.

Youll never believe it, he told her. I was just skiing down the mountain, and a woman went by with her pants around her ankles, and I crashed into a bush.

Greeting cards unsuccessfully marketed by Hallmark

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I got one… I got real
snippy.
I heard you had herpes… and I feel terrible… Id say Get well soon…
but I know its incurable.
My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the
tire… I found your cat… Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of
flowers and a box of Depends.
Youve announced that youre gay, and wont that be a laugh, when they find
out youre one… of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… look at the bright
side, shes a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… Dont fret about your
wife though… Shes moving in with me.
Your computer is dead… and it was so alive… you shouldnt have
installed… Win 95.
You totalled your car… and cant remember why… maybe it was… that case
of Bud Dry
So you lost your job… Its one of those hardships in life… Next time,
work harder… and stay away from the bosss wife.

A fly is flying over a lake. In the lake there is a trout, he sees the fly and he says to himself, If that fly droped six inches Id be able to catch it.

There is a bear standing on the shore of the lake and he says to himself, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and I can catch the trout.

There is a hunter in the forest behind the bear and he says to himself, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and the bear catches the trout, and I can shoot the bear.

There is a mouse standing behind the hunter and she says, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, and Ill be able to get that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket.

There is a cat behind the mouse and she says, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, this mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and I can catch the mouse.

So after all of this happens, the fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and it is the cats turn. So the cat pounces on the mouse, misses it by a mile, falls and gets wet.

What is the moral of this story?

Whenever a fly drops six inches a pussy always gets wet.

There once was a little frog who wanted to take out a home improvement loan to fix up his pad. He hopped over to his local bank, went up to the teller and said, Hi, Id like to take out a loan to fix up my pad.

The teller replied, You need to see our loan officer. Her name is Patricia Black.

So the frog hops over to the loan officers desk and sits down. When Patricia arrives she ask, What can I do for you?

The frog says, Id like to take out a loan to fix up my pad.

Patricia asked, What do you have for Collateral?

After thinking for a couple of moments about what he could offer the frog reaches into his little foggy pocket and pulls out a small white elephant.

This is a very unusual form of collateral. said Patricia.

Ill have to check with out bank president to see if its ok.

Patricia goes to the president and says, Theres a frog out there who wants a home loan and this white elephant is all he is offering for collateral. What should I do?

The bank president takes the small white elephant and after examining it hands it back to Patricia and says, Its a nick-knack, Patricia Black, give the frog a loan.

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the
wheel. Your jeep stuck, sir? asked the lieutenant
as he pulled alongside.

Nope, replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, Yours is.

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey babe… do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Drop em!
What do you like for breakfast?
Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Say, did we go to different schools together?
Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: Smile if you
want to sleep with me. And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
Hi, my name is [your name], how do you like me so far?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, lets go make some babies.
At the office copy machine. Reproducing, eh? Can I help?
Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now!
Hey babe… can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey babe… can you suck start a Harley?
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, I
knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? Hey! Whats wrong, dont you like pizza?
A woman asks, Excuse me, do you have the time?

You, Do you have the energy?
Hey babe, wanna get lucky!?
Say mother, want another? (If she has kids.)
Bond. James Bond.
Do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book… So whats one more?
Your place or mine?
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Your face or mine!?
Are you ready to go home yet?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
When she asks for a match, say, How about the hair on my head and the hair
between your legs?
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Lets play gynecologist.
Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
Im on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
Id look good on you.
Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
Id give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
I would kill or die to make love to you.
Sex is a killer… want to die happy?
I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Hi! Can I buy you a car?
Now, bitch!
Fancy a fuck?
My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
Im new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Fuck me if Im wrong, but isnt your name Gretchen?
Im Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
Was your father a thief? Because someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Look at the tag in her shirt and say, I want to see if you were really made
in heaven.
Do I know you from somewhere, because I dont recognize you with your clothes on?
You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your
belly-button licked? (Yes.) From the inside?
Your legs must be tired because youve been running through my mind all night.
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let
me spend some time up between the holidays?
Hi, how are you?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I could see myself in your pants.
Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
Hi, my name is [your name], I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
I am a magical being, take off your bra.
Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
(No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk?
Hold out two fingers and say, Why should a women masturbate with these two
fingers? (I dont know.) Because theyre mine, sweetheart.
Im a hurdle, do you want to jump me?

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up. Oh, no. The woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back. The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear. Thats what I want! Exclaims the lady. Lets do that. Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? The doctor asks. Terrible! The lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made. Whats wrong? Asks the doctor. Just look at these bags under my eyes! She hollers. Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your breasts. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, Give me Liberty, or give me death?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his handup. Patrick Henry, 1775.

Very good!

Who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?

Again, no response except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.

The teacher snapped at the class, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country and knows more about its history than you do.

She then heard a loud whisper. Darn Japanese.

Who said that?, she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzukis classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, Im gonna puke!

The teacher glares and asks All right! Now who said that?

Again, Suzuki says, George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah! Suck this!

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.

Original Source: Dunno / www.geocities.com/jenneaux/index.html

Tease her about being married to that deadbeat James Brolin
Wear giant sombrero and keep saying, Senor Pepe no understand
Threaten to release steamy photos of her and Hugh Downs from Christmas 74
When you dont have an answer, meow like a kitty
Hog the covers (trust me, she hates that)
Call her Alex, phrase all answers in the form of a question
Tell her she was your favorite Golden Girl
To camera say, Whoa, Barbara, easy on the gin
Only rule: Ask a question, remove a piece of clothing
If shes wearing a skirt, compliment her on The View

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