Old and New Jokes

One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?”
The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

Some things Ive learned from my children:

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a

baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Its been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff

FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper

SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the FROM line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE How to… series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerds photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerds will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs formulary.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!



His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wifes butt and say, Lets do it!



….and shes always sound asleep.

Thank goodness, sobbed Snow White. At least Dopeys still alive!

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eyepatch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

• Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays.
• Stop circulating the Good Times Virus and Join the Crew e-mail.
• Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to.
• Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty.
• Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly.
• Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta.
• Insist that all ten best lists be strictly limited to ten.
• Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk.
• Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail.
• Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway.
• Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.
• Promise when I hear Where do you want to go today?, I wont laugh. (Well, maybe not!)
• Think of a password other than password to use on web sites.
• Never throw another snowball via e-mail; at least not til next year.

Thanx to the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day!

A blonde was stranded on a desert island so she swims half way back to the main land gets tired so she turns around and swims back.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS

Government Department of Fish and WildLife Sec. 1200



1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.



2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.



3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.



4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys.



6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW

dealerships.



7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.



8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, entrap, or possess it.



9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.



10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.



BAG LIMITS

(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)



1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)

(Female only)

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)

6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)

(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)

7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)

8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?

Brown-bagging it.



Whats the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?

No one else wants it.



Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?

So brunettes can remember them.



What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

Invisible.



Whats a brunettes mating call?

Has the blonde left yet?



What do brunettes miss most about a great party?

The invitation



What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?

A hostage