Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.
17
Oct
17
Oct
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying I need 45 gallons of milk.
He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.
Is this a mistake?
the milkman asked.
No, she said, I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.
Really?
replied the milkman.
Do you want it pasteurised?
No, up to my tits would be fine, she said
17
Oct
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – OR – Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in Americas far NORTH called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
_______________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Wall Mart
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) Minnnesota
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
17
Oct
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
17
Oct
A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy. Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
17
Oct
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
17
Oct
Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.
The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?
The lawyer says Professional courtesy.
17
Oct
Why do men masturbate?
Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
17
Oct
Little Johnny is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room.
The doctor says, Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and Ill see what I can do.
Little Johnny says, I havent got the fingers.
The doctor says, What do you mean, you havent got the fingers? Its 2003. Weve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put them back on and made you like new. Why didnt you bring the fingers?
Furious, Johnny asks, How the hell was I supposed to pick them up???
17
Oct
You might be a redneck if…
Your home has more miles on it than your car.