10. Cats facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your curls to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND,
The No. 1 thing only women understand:
other women.
The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatellos interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
Look, she said, I went along with the blowjob, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!
A lady lost her cat, and took the cat in a little casket up to a big church and said, I want you to bury my cat. And they run her off. She went to another church, and they run her off. She took the cat to a Baptist church on the edge of town, and told the preacher she couldnt find anybody to hold a service for her dead cat. And the man talked to her bad.
How dare you think that we bury cats?
She said, Well, Im frustrated and Im prepared to give two thousand dollars to whoever gives a service for my cat. And the preacher said, Lady, why didnt you tell me your cat was a Baptist?
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?
No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.
The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?
It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.
Whats it telling you now? she asked.
Well, it says youre not wearing any panties. he said.
The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!
The man explains, Damn thing must be an hour fast.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
enough.
Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said.
I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over
to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.
Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said…
All right. Get in.!
Subject: more microsoft c humor
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version – Windows 95
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe) {
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{ ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
Keep an eye on this bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); }
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
Q: Whats better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?
A: Not being retarded!
Why do baby chicks say cheap, cheap, cheap? Because they cant say expensive, expensive, expensive!
Candy Bar Life
It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered Hey Sweetheart, howd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk she replied Oh Henry, what a Whopper.
Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldnt resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnuts.
It wasnt long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M , but I said Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reeses pieces.Dont be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why dont you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O Honey
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good N Plenty when all of a sudden…my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped BABY RUTH.