Old and New Jokes

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said I cant walk and I didnt have that much to drink?.

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I dont get home soon!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said you were out drinking again last night werent you!

The man replied with NO WAY!

And the wife said YOU LIAR!

The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says, Me too. Yknow, Ive heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects, nothing!

Then the phone rings … Its Jim. Jim says, Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says, I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, I feel great, too. You dont have a hangover?

Bud says, No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.

Yeah, well theres just one thing …

Whats that?

Have you farted yet?

No …

Well, DONT, cause Im in PHOENIX!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him up immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, Wasukima! Wasukima! He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted Wasukima!.

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, Why are you shouting wrong hole?

The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting

more women on his staff.

A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks? the man replies, I used to come here with my best friend but now hes dead. And Im drinking the second beer on his behalf. A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him, why only 1 beer now sir? man replies, I have given up drinking!

Había una vez un joven doctor recién titulado, que decidió poner una farmacia en tierras nativas, pasó el tiempo y todo le salía bien, pero un día llegó un indio, y le dijo al doctor: Gran jefe no caca.

El doctor entendió que el jefe no podia cagar, así que le dijo: Dele este jarabe a su jefe y regrese dentro de una semana.

Pasó la semana y el indio regresó diciendo un poco más serio: Gran jefe no caca.

El doctor le dio un purgante muy eficaz: Vuelva dentro de una semana.

El indio regreso y le dijo: ¡gran jefe no caca!

Entonces el doctor preparó una solución super potente de varias sustancias. El indio le dijo: Si gran jefe no caca, yo matar.

Regresó un mes después a la farmacia y el doctor le preguntó: ¿Qué, gran jefe no caca?

Y el indio le respondió:

¡No, ahora gran caca, no jefe!

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?



A: Tell her all the seats that are going to London are in the middle row.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.



After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?



The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.



Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, Father, remember psalm 129? Once again the priest apologized. Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.



Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So lets come to grips here. Honey… have you ever cheated on me? Ive never cheated on you.
He saw the twisted look on his wifes face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: How many times? And when?

The wife responded, Well… you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldnt get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?

The husband stared. You mean youre the one who got him to?

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. I guess thats okay. Any other times?

Well… when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time… I kinda…

Ah, youre the one who made it possible.

The husband looked honestly relieved. Well, thats understandable, you saved my life. Any others?

She nodded. One more.

The husband leaned forward. Well… you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes…?