Old and New Jokes

Una señora, harta de que su marido siempre llegaba muy borracho a quererle hacer el amor, se va a la cantina y se toma de un jalón media botella de tequila; allí se espera hasta que se siente ebria.

Llega a su casa sabiendo que su marido ya está dormido. Se mete al baño y agarra un desodorante de bolita destapado y se le va encima al hombre, picándolo con el desodorante en la cara, en el pecho, en las piernas, (el hombre asustado intenta defenderse) en la espalda, en las nalgas, hasta que el marido reclama:

¡Vieja pendeja! ¿Qué te pasa, eh? ¿Te volviste loca?

La esposa, achispada, le contesta:

¡Esto, cabrón, es para que sepas lo que se siente que te quieran coger a las dos de la mañana… Y BORRACHO!

Estaban dos gallinas en el granero discutiendo sobre cuál de las dos ponía el huevo mayor.

La primera dijo:

Co, co, co, co. A que yo te gano.

Sí, pues a ver.

Entonces la primera, azuzada, puja y puja y, ¡plug!, pone un huevo de 10 cm de diámetro.

Ja, pues ahorita verás, dice la otra gallina.

Y puja, puja, y puja, y pone un huevo de 20 cm de diámetro.

Je, je, je, ¿cómo te quedó el ojo?

Y a ti, ¿cómo te quedó el culo?

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.

Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he?s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

My darling, he writes, it looks like we?re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I?m starting to miss you and we?re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation?s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, Why don?t you learn to play this?

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. Darling he says, I can?t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. First, let?s see how well you play that harmonica.

If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, Dad, what happened to the birdie?

His dad told him, Son, the bird died and went to heaven.

Then the boy asked, Did God throw him back down?

Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

Maybe, what made them sick?

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

Back in the unhappy days when Czechoslovakia was under Soviet domination, a valiant freedom fighter was wandering through the countryside, trying to evade a Soviet agent, who was in hot pursuit, found himself near an old castle, and went inside for refuge.

Soon he found that the Soviet agent had followed him into the castle so our hero slipped into the nearest hiding-place, which was a medieval armor. He remained there, very still, until the Soviet gave up in disgust, and left him free to continue working for the liberation of his native land.

Why didnt the Soviet agent think to look inside the armor?

Very simple,… As a well-trained Marxist, he would never consider any capitalistic lie as that there was a Czech in the mail.

Dos amigos están en una fiesta bebiendo champán a más no poder, cuando uno de ellos se da cuenta que se ha excedido en la bebida.

Martín, creo que no voy a beber más, estoy totalmente mareado…

No exageres, ¡anímate, que la noche es joven!

En eso se acercan dos señoritas a la mesa, con la particularidad de ser ambas idénticas.

¡Martiiiinnn!, ya no sé ni lo que veo. ¡Estoy totalmente borracho!

Entonces, una de las señoritas le dice:

No se preocupe, señor, somos hermanas gemelas.

¡Ahhhhh! ¡Qué alivio! ¿Conque gemelas, eh? ¿Las cuatro?