Old and New Jokes

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: He shouldnt have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Theodore!
Thedore who?
Theodore is shut, please open it!

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter S on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter S. Johnny raises his hand and says Me me me me.

The teacher says to herself no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.

So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.

Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter f up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying ME me me. She says Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.

Franklin says funny teacher.

Very good Franklin.

This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter R up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.

Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter R?. Yes. Johnny says.

Rats. teacher.

Very good Johnny.

Then he said big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.

The teacher faintede.

Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?

A. A licker cabnet.

One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles Dont worry mom, ill be alright.





She dosent get within a mile to her grandmas house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.



The rabbit says, Red, watch out, the wolfs after you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles and says Dont worry rabbit, ill be careful.





A little closer to grandmas house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.



He says Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and hell pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



Red becomes angry, and says Dont worry, ill be fine.





Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, Red, i warned you, ive got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.



She points it directly at his head and says No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of
every attempt to teach them good manners.

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they dont want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. Youve bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. Youve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think youre a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. Youve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as shes embarrassed and doesnt want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

Dont worry, he says, I didnt tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

Who is the third rose from? she asked

Oh, says the doctor, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit…

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Aint summertime great.

I dont worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people who voted for him in 1996 scare me. Theyll still be around long after Bill is gone.

A gentleman always remembers a ladys birthday, but never her age.

I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I dont think we can take much more of this.

I did not go to Woodstock 69, but I wish I had. I did not go to Woodstock 99 and I am glad I didnt.

Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many hungry drunks after midnight.

Theyve already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why wouldnt the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that guarantees it can find anyone in the U.S.?

My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the best fat doctor in the city.

Ill never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.

Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelts ghost, I could be as smart as Hillary.

Source: The Vent column

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, Jesus Christ! Joseph looked at Mary and said Write that down — thats better than Clyde!