Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, May I halp you?
The first responds with, I would like … a blood.
The bartender turns to the second and says, May I help you?
The second thinks for a short time and says, I would like … a blood.
The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, May I help you?
The third looks at him and says, I would like … a plasma.
The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, Give me two bloods and a blood light.
What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.
2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent shabagoemdallada and the uther one goes shut up BOB your drunk!!
Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.
The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!
The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.
The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!
The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.
The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!
The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?
The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.
The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?
The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!
What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert….
HabÃa una vez un colombiano que llegó a un paÃs extraño. Como no se habÃa dado cuenta que en ese paÃs hablaban también el español fue a la embajada colombiana y le preguntó a un señor:
Oiga, en este pais como se dice mesero.
El otro, para burlarse de él, le dice: Marica.
¿Cómo se dice plato de comida?
Plato de mierda.
¿Cómo se dice dinero?
Pelos en la verga.
¿Cómo se dice policÃa?
Hijueputa.
Llega a un restaurante y le dice al mesero: Marica, marica, venga.
Entonces el mesero le dice: Respete, señor.
Me da un plato de mierda.
Aquà no vendemos eso.
En eso va pasando un policÃa y le grita:
¡Hijueputa, hijueputa, venga! ¡Es que este marica no me quiere dar un plato de mierda aunque yo tengo muchos pelos en la verga!
Yo mamas so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
Yo mamas so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas English Muffin.
Yo mamas so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo mamas so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.
Yo mamas so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mamas so bald, I can read her mind.
Yo mamas so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted
Yo mamas so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.
Yo mamas so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mamas so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mamas so poor, she married young just to get the rice!
Yo mamas teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.
Yo mamas got so many teeth missing it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo mamas so fat, GOD couldnt lift her spirit.
Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo mamas so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mamas so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers.
Yo mamas so ugly, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.
Yo mamas so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.
Yo mamas so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.
Yo mamas so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy – everybody pokes her.
Yo mamas so old, her birth-certificate expired.
Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.
Yo mamas so big, when you climb on top of her your ears pop.
Yo mamas glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo mamas hair is so short, it looks like stiches.
Yo mamas so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mamas so old, when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mamas so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.
YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF …
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um
You order your business cards in half orders instead of whole boxes
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise
You learn about your layoff on CNN
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive
Its dark when you drive to and from work
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else
Communication is something your group is having problems with
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home
Being sick is defined as cant walk or youre in the hospital
Art involves a white board
Youre already late on the assignment you just got
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say Oh wow, thanks!
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers
Your boss favorite lines are, When you get a few minutes or When youre freed up
Your boss second favorite lines are, …this isnt exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January
Your relatives and family describe your job as works with computers
Change is the norm
The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting
You read this entire list and understood it.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hubie!
Hubie who!
Hubie-ginning to see the light!