Old and New Jokes

When your opponent is down, kick him.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. – Abba Eban

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Q: What does a chicken say when there is a fire in his coop?

A: Wheres the egg-sit?

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Dont send any more men, its a trap. Theres two of them!

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background, sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

If I wasnt under oath, Id return the compliment, replied the
witness.

Look, Im tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde,
The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).

Divorce proceedings most likely.

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, um, how is this going to work?

The martain man replies Oh, not big enough? Okay then.

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. Um, thats good but isnt it still a little thin?

No problem the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?

The man replied, It was awful!!

The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?

A: Is that you coffin?

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude.Harriet, shes a prostitute.I dont believe you. That sweet young thing?Lets go up to our room and Ill prove it.In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. Now, he said, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK? Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, How much do you charge? $125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services. Even George was taken aback. $125! I was thinking more in the range of $25. Bambi laughed derisively. You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.Well, said George, I guess we cant do business. Goodbye. After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, I just cant believe it! George said, Lets forget it. Well go have a drink, then eat
dinner. At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, See what you get for $25?