Old and New Jokes

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.

And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!

Llega un señor al doctor y dice:

Doctor, doctor, no se que hacer. Mi esposa tiene muchos pelos en las piernas.

El doctor responde, pensativo:

Ah, conque así está la cosa…

No, doctor, la cosa está mucho peor…

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, Dont you know Im Polish?



Oh, Im sorry, the blonde apologizes, do you want me to start over and talk slower?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does cleave mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a building when it is already built?

Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?

How do Chinese people name their children?

– They throw silverware down the steps, and whatever noise it makes…

* Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.* Dogs shed, cats shred.* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.* Dont accept your dogs admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?* Women and cats will do as they please…men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.* In order to keep a true perspective of ones importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

You might be a redneck if…
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anaesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bed side.

So tell me Doc, what did you find out?.

The Doctor says, Son we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts.

Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?

We put them under your pillow…

Bhola and Herolal decide to have a reunion. So Herolal decides to visit Bhola, who is living in a big city.
But Herolal gets lost and calls his friend Bhola,
Hey, I am coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am.
Bhola replies, Its okay, just look at the street intersection, there will be two signs, read them to me.
Herolal looks over and then says, Okay, okay, I see them, one says Walk, the other one says Do not walk.
Oh good, you are right down the street. Ill be over to pick you up.