Old and New Jokes

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.

The book appeared. It said that Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. And his death came as a real shock.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says, WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, But you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says Okay, Im ready, lets go to the cash register.
The husband says, No – no – no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jacksons ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

2 laughing eyes



2 bowing arms



2 well-shaped legs



2 firm milk containers



1 fur-lined mixing bowl



1 banana



Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.



WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !

After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.

The young man proudly answered “One.” The manager replied “only one, well how much was it for”? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.



He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn’t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.



The manager said “You are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck”.



“No” the clerk said “He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much spoilt you should go fishing!”

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

Minds are like parachutes; they only work when they are open.

Bill and Melinda Gates are expecting their third child in October, but, they warned, they cant promise that release date, so, it could be November, maybe December and if not, January at the very, very latest.

Whats the difference between a rooster and a blonde?

A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…

A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…

There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just cant please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasnt found a lady yet who likes it and he cant get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks frog, will you marry me? The frog says no And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, its still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: Frog, will you marry me? Frog: No, I wont marry you.

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But thats still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: Frog, will you marry me?

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!