Old and New Jokes

Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, I love my country! and throws a bag of gold overboard.

When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, I love my country! and throws a bag of silver overboard.

When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, I hate my country! and he throws a bomb overboard.

They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. Whats wrong? he asks. Can I help?

The little boy cries, A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now shes unconscious in the hospital. The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella.

When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her whats wrong. The little girl replies, My mother got hit on the head with a bag of silver, and now shes in the hospital. The Irish bloke walks off in shame.

When the Aussie gets back, he finds a little boy in the street laughing like a maniac. Whats so funny? the Aussie asks.

The little boy gasps, My dad and I were out gardening, and my dad cut such a huge fart that it blew up the house!

Men are just like a Dog…heres proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both are threatened by their own kind.

4. Both like to chew wood.

5. Both mark their territory.

6. Both are bad at asking you questions.

7. Neither tells you whats bothering them.

8. Both tend to smell riper with age.

9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

10. Neither does any dishes.

11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

12. Both like dominance games.

13. Both are suspicious of the postman.

14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear–
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang O Holy Night to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
bout folks wed send cards to whod sent none to us;
Those ingrates, she thundered, and pounded her fist;
Next year you can bet theyll be crossed off our list!

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, Whos there?
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, Im Santa! I bring you no malice!
Said I, if youre Santa, Im Telly Savalas!

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, I think hes ok.

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.

Youll note Ive arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.

To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.

Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldnt afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves.

And then, later on, came additional trouble–
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a no avalanche clause.

And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.

And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.

My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why Im glowing tonight,
its from flying too close to a nuclear site.

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldnt help notice a tear in his eye;
Ive tried, he declared, to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today Ive become obsolete.

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
no longer can I do the job thats required;
if anyone asks, just say, Santas retired!.

Here is an original joke by Lewis W. Call, and myself.

A small survey of some popular European languages:

Spanish– Everything you say makes you sound hungry.

Russian–There are 33 different ways to say, Comrade, pass the Vodka
or I shoot you.

French–Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you
want to have sex with the person you are talking to.

German–The German word for hello is Echsteinlefahrtengruber. The
German translation for Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb
into our tanks and roll over Poland? is Hans, Poland, ja?

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: Hes the stiff one.

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: What did you think of that Superbowl game last night? I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because its called rock music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side youre parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. Youre not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She says, Bernie, I want a divorce.

My goodness, he says, I wasnt planning on spending that much.

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick. One of the the guys looked at the other and said, I wish that I could do that. The other one then said, Ooooh, that dog would bite you.

A altas horas de la noche en un parque, un borracho simulaba nadar en el pasto. En eso, en una de sus rondas, un policía lo observa y le pregunta qué es lo que hace.

“¿Qué no ve que estoy nadando?”

“Por favor, le pido que salga de ahí”.

El borrachín se niega y el policía insiste.

“Si quiere que me salga de aquí, venga y sáqueme”.

Exasperado, el oficial se quita los zapatos, se remanga la camisa y se sube las perneras del pantalón, al mismo tiempo que exclama:

“¡Ni que estuviera tan hondo!”