Old and New Jokes

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says Earthling take me to your leader!

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, If this Earthling doesnt show me some respect Im going to blast him!

The second Alien replies O.K. but, Im just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

Earthling take me to your leader!

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien If you knew that was going to happen why didnt you warn me?

The second replies I didnt know what was going to happen, but Im not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: Yes. Youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

You must work in Information Technology says the balloonist.

I do replies the man. How did you know?

Well says the balloonist, Everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.

The man below says, You must work in business.

I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, You dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

When a nymphomaniac tells you, Lets just be friends.

Yo mama so poor, she has to break into someones house to get what she needs.

By Randy Jeffries/Weekly World News (January 23, 1996)

Bocholt, Germany – A band musician died of a brain injury when the trombonist behind him jerked the slide of his trombone forward and struck the trumpeter in the back of the head!

Police say the tragedy occurred as the Gratzfeld College band was rehearsing the spirited American jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In.

According to other band members, trombonist Peter Niemeyer, 19, got carried away with the music. He started gyrating and thrashing around as he played.

At one point, he jerked forward and the rounded metal slide on his instrument hit trumpet player Dolph Mohr, 20, dropping him instantly to the floor.

Niemeyer was pumping the slide very hard, said medical examiner Dr. Max Krause. But it wasnt just the force of the blow that killed Mohr.

The slide struck him in the worst possible place – the vulnerable spot just behind and below the left ear. Bone fragments pierced his brain, killing him instantly.

The incident has provoked a storm of controversy over whether or not American jazz should be played in German colleges.

I believe the music is to blame, said Gratzfeld band director Heinrich Sommer. I was pressured to play that selection by school administrators. But Ive always said jazz is dangerous music, Our musicians cant control themselves when they play it. They move and rock back and forth, creating chaos. If I had my way, American Dixieland would be outlawed in Germany. Ive been directing bands for 30 years and Ive never heard of anyone dying while playing a German march.

Have you ever heard of someone getting a piece of elephant?

Un cubano regresó de Nueva York. Se encuentra a un amigo que le pregunta:

Oye chico, ¿y que e lo que ma te gutó a ti de Niu Yolk?

Oye, chico, pue Madona

Ya lo creo chico, ¡Madona! ¡Qué tetas! ¡Qué culo! ¡La madre que la parió a esa Madona!

No, chico, a mí lo que me guta de Madona son lo Big Mac, la papitas fritas, la soda y lo juguetito.

Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, Wheres the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in.



Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, Wheres the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in.



One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is? says the bartender.



No thanks, the piggy slurs, I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!