Old and New Jokes

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It isnt hard…

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

You dont have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
Coffee doesnt complain when you put whipped cream in it.
A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You wont fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
You can always warm coffee up.
Coffee comes with endless refills.
Coffee is cheaper.
You wont get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
Coffee never runs out.
Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
You can smoke while drinking coffee.
You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
Coffee smells and tastes good.
You dont have to put vinegar in your coffee.
If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
You can always get fresh coffee.
You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and itll be hot when you get back.
They sell coffee at police stations.
You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
Coffee goes down easier.
If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesnt put on weight.
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
A big cup or small cup? It doesnt matter.
Your coffee doesnt talk to you.
Coffee smells good in the morning.
Coffee is good when its cold too.
Coffee stains are easier to remove.
Coffee doesnt care when you dunk things in it.
Coffee doesnt care what kind of mood youre in.
Coffee doesnt shed.
Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
You cant get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
Coffee doesnt mind being ground.
No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
Coffee doesnt have a time of the month… its good all the time.
When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
When you have a coffee, you dont end up with a pube in the back of your
throat.
Coffee doesnt take up half your bed.
Coffee doesnt mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
Instant coffee!
You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
Your coffee wont be jealous of a larger cup.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress

(reading her name tag)?

A: Debbie. . . thats cute. What did you name the other one?

A: Because it said concentrate.

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didnt perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldnt ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each roosters neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.



My uncles favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didnt ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.



Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldnt ring. Hed sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.



Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Knock!Knock!

Whose there?



Maddam!



Maddam who?



Maddam foot stuck in your door!

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Many of us have been there. Something just doesnt click with the new boss. Or maybe were just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable of performing up to standard. Whatever the reason, sometimes in our lives, weve got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz and find out you chances of survival in the job world.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk. You…

   A) swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

   B) inform him that youre planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

   C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until youve finished the level.

2. Theres a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

   A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone whos been working with you.

   B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

   C) Barge into your bosss office and demand reassignment so that you, Wont have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughing-stock.

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

   A) Stay home and watch I Love Lucy reruns.

   B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

   C) Go over to your bosss house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

   A) Listen politely, and then apologize.

   B) Blame someone else.

   C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which youve written the word union.

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

   A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

   B) Key it … then tell the CEOs secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

   C) Key it … then proudly tell the CEOs secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kids fifth birthday party, what do you do?

   A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

   B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-workers into doing it while pretending to be you.

   C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. Your boss gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

   A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the bosss daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to the movie by herself.

   B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.

   C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean. You…

   A) clean the office while he supervises.

   B) tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

   C) clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss face.

— SCORING —

Mostly As: You have nothing to worry about. Theyll never fire you because youre a doormat.

Mostly Bs: Youre not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, youll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! Youre a real jerk.

Mostly Cs: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but hes terrified of what you might do.