Old and New Jokes

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“Ive been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like youve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.”

Dos amigas de secundaria se encuentran luego de muchos años:

Hola, ¿como estás? ¿como te ha ido?

¡Buenísimo!, ¿sabes?, mi esposo es un millonario, y nos fuimos a Francia por un año.

¡Qué maravilla!

Si, y ni si quiera regresábamos de Francia que ya me lleva a Italia!

¡Chica, pero que maravilla!

Y mira, me regaló un anillo de platino, con unas perlas…

¡Qué maravilla!

Bueno, dejemos de hablar de mi, ¿que es de tu vida?

Bueno, mi esposo y yo smos de bajos recursos, entonces me he dado la tarea de culturalizarme.

¿Culturalizarte?

Sí culturalizarme, fíjate que antes decía: embojotamelo pa llevar, y ahora digo: envuélvemelo para llevar. Antes yo decia: me voy pa casa e lola, y ahora digo: me voy para la casa de mi amiga lola, antes yo decia ME SABE A MIERDA, y ahora digo ¡QUE MARAVILLA!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?



She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.



Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.



After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.



To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean, $200?

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.


…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.


…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.


…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.


…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!


…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.


…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.


…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!


…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!


…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!


…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!


…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!


…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!


…he who masturbate, screw only himself!


…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!


…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Diane!
Diane who?
Diane to meet you!

Its better to retire too soon than too late.

What do you call two Chinese lesbians?

– Two Can Chew

In 1852, Boston police arrested Emma Snodgrass for wearing pants. In those days, women were not allowed to wear pants.

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, starring at a girl wearing the tightest pants hes ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks over and asks, How do you get into those pants?

The young woman looks him over and replies, Well, you could start by buying me a drink.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com