1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: Its triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.2. Good: Your wifes not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: Shes a lawyer.3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: Hes in them.5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You cant find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: Hes a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.7. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.8. Good: The postmans early.
Bad: Hes wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: Its another man.
Ugly: Hes your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.
One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. Go ahead, said the stage manager. Eat the shit, eat the shit!
I just cant do it, said the magician. Theres a hair in it!
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit — Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover. *While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sportscar. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horses owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sportscar. At this, the sportscar driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims. *Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns cant afford new lightbulbs – unless theyre a legitimate business expense.
A short guide to comparative religions:
Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens its not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.
Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
Atheism : NO shit!
Jehovahs witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.
Hedonism : Theres nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.
Existentialism : What is shit anyway?
Stoicism : This shit doesnt bother me.
Rastafarianinsm : Lets smoke this shit.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were each making something for a party.
The blonde was making some kool-aid, the burnette was making a turkey and stuffing, and the redhead was making a cake.
Well, the burnett says, How in the world am I going to get all of this stuffing inside of this little turkey?
The redhead says, I cant possibly get all of this batter into this little bowl.
Then the blonde says, Enough with your problems. How the hell am I supposed to get a whole gallon of water into this package of kool-aid?
A woman and her husband decided to go on a skiing trip one weekend. They rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and were preparing to go down. The woman suddenly announced that she needed to use the restroom, and NOW. Her husband told her that since the coast was clear, she could just hide behind a tree and go.
Well, the woman had her pants down around her ankles when she suddenly began going down the mountain. She hit a tree on the way down and broke her leg and her arm and had several other bumps and bruises.
When she awoke at the hospital, she was surprised to see another man who was dressed in a skiing outfit and also looked as if he had been in a skiing accident. The woman was very curious about this man, so she asked him what happen.
Youll never believe it, he told her. I was just skiing down the mountain, and a woman went by with her pants around her ankles, and I crashed into a bush.
Greeting cards unsuccessfully marketed by Hallmark
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I got one… I got real
snippy.
I heard you had herpes… and I feel terrible… Id say Get well soon…
but I know its incurable.
My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the
tire… I found your cat… Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of
flowers and a box of Depends.
Youve announced that youre gay, and wont that be a laugh, when they find
out youre one… of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… look at the bright
side, shes a really good lay.
Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… Dont fret about your
wife though… Shes moving in with me.
Your computer is dead… and it was so alive… you shouldnt have
installed… Win 95.
You totalled your car… and cant remember why… maybe it was… that case
of Bud Dry
So you lost your job… Its one of those hardships in life… Next time,
work harder… and stay away from the bosss wife.
A fly is flying over a lake. In the lake there is a trout, he sees the fly and he says to himself, If that fly droped six inches Id be able to catch it.
There is a bear standing on the shore of the lake and he says to himself, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and I can catch the trout.
There is a hunter in the forest behind the bear and he says to himself, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, and the bear catches the trout, and I can shoot the bear.
There is a mouse standing behind the hunter and she says, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, and Ill be able to get that piece of cheese out of the hunters pocket.
There is a cat behind the mouse and she says, If that fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, this mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and I can catch the mouse.
So after all of this happens, the fly drops six inches, the trout catches the fly, the bear catches the trout, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese out of the hunters pocket, and it is the cats turn. So the cat pounces on the mouse, misses it by a mile, falls and gets wet.
What is the moral of this story?
Whenever a fly drops six inches a pussy always gets wet.